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Marketing Bastard Central Yes, some of this is common sense, but I need to say it anyway. I believe that ultra-marketing has done a LOT of damage to our society in many different ways, from social to financial to emotional. In a nutshell, marketers have taught us that we need their products to feel happy and accepted in this world. And they're LYING. So this is my little way of saying no, I don't buy their bullshit, and neither should you. Think for yourself, question everything you see...because these days, you're under attack from all sides by people trying to get your money. If you think I'm exaggerating here, then you haven't been paying attention to the relentless "advertising culture" that has infested our society for years. Spend some time closely watching T.V. commercials and reading magazine ads, then see if you still disagree.
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Here are some more-or-less random thoughts about some of the terms and ideas used by marketers to make the product seem more special than it really is. Their goal is to make you WANT this thing so badly that you'll feel guilty for not handing over your hard-earned cash for it. "Special recipe"
- Listen... If it's made in a factory, there's nothing special about it.
Now, a meal cooked at 35,000 feet and then dropped by parachute into the
restaurant would be something special! Or how about a minestrone soup that
cures cancer...that would be a pretty special recipe, wouldn't it?
Wonder products on
infomercials at 3 a.m. - Gee, if
they're that great, why infomercials at 3 a.m.? Typical crap sold during
these things are super-duper tub cleaner, carpet cleaner, car wax, food
choppers/dehydrators, spray-on hair... Have you noticed that these are all
just "convenience" products and have absolutely no potential to change the
world at all? And if these are the amazing products that will transform my
life, WHY aren't they being advertised during Prime Time? Because losers
with no lives who watch T.V. at 3 a.m. see these "magical" products and
think that somehow their lives will have meaning if they buy them. Anyone
who has time to watch a 30-minute commercial definitely needs some
counseling. I'll try to add more to this list when I think of them... All it should take is a few trips to the grocery store. :-) |
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There are many ways the Marketing Bastards can pop a straw into your skull and start suckin', and they don't always have to be in your face about it. Some of their best techniques are their most subtle. Coupon blinkers are a regular part of grocery stores these days. Surely you've encountered them yourself: you're strolling down the aisle, minding your own business, when suddenly something blinks. A small flash in the corner of your eye, just out of sight...what was it? You turn and scan the shelves in curiosity, until your eyes settle on the small red device sticking out from the shelf. It appears to be a coupon dispenser of some sort, and...yes, it's got a small red light on the corner which blinks about once every 5 seconds. The light is, no doubt, timed just right to allow you enough time to barely catch it the first time, forcing you to look around to discover what it was and (hopefully) take a coupon when you've found it. Of course, months of research probably went into this evil little device...studies on peoples' attention spans, etc. And it's all targeted at YOU, to catch your attention and get you to take a coupon for some item you probably don't need. Want to know what I do? If the coupons can be pulled out through the side, I pull one out just far enough to cover that damn light. Magazine ad placement is done carefully to ensure that you see the most prominent ones (i.e., the ones who paid the most money) first. This means that the highest-paying ads appear on the right side of the page, usually in full color. Even the ads themselves are arranged so that your eye "flows" over the page in a sort of "Z" pattern. It's all arranged to take advantage of how you read magazines and how your brain looks at a page. Even the Sunday comics page isn't safe from rampant advertising anymore. I don't know about newspapers across the country, but I assume that a lot of them are now doing this crap...they're adding a half-page "flap" to the first page of the comics, and this flap is nothing but solid advertising. It's absolutely shameless and whenever I read the comics in our Arizona Republic paper I immediately rip off this intrusive marketing flap, even if it means shredding "The Family Circus" with it. In fact, sometimes I shred "The Family Circus" just for fun. Radio traffic reports aren't safe, either. They typically end with an ad for some local business, but our local KFYI went one step further: they named their traffic plane after one of their big sponsors! Yes, every time there's a traffic update (several times an hour), we're told that it comes from the Gila River Casino Traffic Plane. It's so quick and subtle that you almost don't notice it, but it's there. I just hope KFYI is gouging the HELL out of Gila River Casino, who also runs hundreds of ads per day on that station, and they're all annoying. Slideshows at the movies used to contain fun bits of trivia, silly questions for the audience, historical facts about Hollywood, technical items about THX, etc. But some theaters have been bought out by Coca-Cola, apparently. Some here in Phoenix have slides that look innocent enough, except for the big fat Coca-Cola logos in the corner of every single one. Noises in radio ads are used to get your attention, and the Marketing Bastards are really starting to prey on our behavior patterns now. If you listen to the radio a lot, you'll notice that many ads start out with sounds that immediately grab our attention, sounds that we're trained to respond to: a phone ringing, a doorbell, a car horn, etc. One company called Just Brakes has been running a series of ads here in Phoenix for around a year that really goes overboard with this whole concept. The first ad started out with the sound of a phone ringing, then a guy picks it up and says, "Hello, Just Brakes, how I can I help you?" The lady on the other end then blabs on and on about her problem, etc. Well, that ad must not have gotten peoples' attention enough, because the second "wave" of ads had the phone ringing THREE times. That's right, three. RIIIING . . . . . RIIIING . . . . . RIIIING . . . . "Hello, Just Brakes!" It's absolutely the most annoying thing I've EVER heard. Three rings! Six seconds--that's a lot of time in the radio biz. And in this case, three rings is simply overkill deluxe. I'll try to get a clip of this for you all to hear, it's gotta be experienced to be appreciated. 12-page ads in magazines designed to look like part of the magazine are another travesty. My God!! Will these people stop at nothing? I think it shows that Americans know an ad when they see one, and would rather read the magazine they paid for instead of some overblown commercial. So the marketers have to get sneaky and look at the overall design of the magazine the ad will be appearing in, and then design the ad with just enough subtle differences that the reader will get halfway through a page and suddenly realize it's not the same story he/she was reading a minute ago. What's next, an electric billboard disguised as a centerfold? |
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Kids are always a target for the Marketing Bastards. After all, today's parents tend to buy whatever their kids want...nobody wants a "deprived child", after all. Pop psychologists have brainwashed parents into giving their kids whatever is asked of them to avoid hurting their self-esteem, or whatever the excuse is this week. And the Marketing Bastards are right on top of it all, pushing more and more useless, worthless garbage in their faces than ever. Take a look at Saturday morning T.V. if you don't believe me. Here's what you can expect to see from marketers who target kids (which includes a huge number of them): The 100% sugar diet. Breakfast cereal, cookies, candy bars, soft drinks, "fruit" drinks, fruit roll-ups and their hundreds of variations, chocolate milk...the list is endless. You'd think this crap was actually good for you by watching the way they're marketed. No "kids'" show is safe, they will push this stuff as hard as they can because they know kids love it and will pester their parents relentlessly until they buy it. Here's something for you to ponder: the day I went to see "Episode I", I sat down with my popcorn and munched while watching the crowd around me. Looking to my right, I was horrified to see a man pouring Gatorade into a milk bottle for his baby. That's a mix of marketing and a brainless parent, the worst mix possible. Need I say more? A Barbie Hell. OK, I know a lot of girls grew up with Barbie over the years and that's fine. But now we have a hundred different incarnations of Barbie, something I believe the marketing geniuses call a "horizontal market". This means that they can't possibly improve on the product in any significant way, so they just repackage the thing as an entirely new item! This is why we have Cherry Coke, Pepsi One, "People" magazine for teens, and most "new" items from Taco Bell. So we're seeing Barbie with 500 different styles of hair, 500 different playsets, 500 different wardrobe additions, thousands of accessories, etc. Not to mention the new racially-correct Barbies...African Barbie, Indian (Hindu) Barbie, Native American Barbie, Skater Punk Barbie, Crack Whore Barbie...it's really getting out of hand. If I were an Indian, I would be pretty disgusted by the Hindu Barbie. Hell, I'm disgusted anyway. And, of course, the pressure to buy every single flavor of Barbie (and her latent homosexual boyfriend Ken) for your little girl is high...after all, all her friends have the latest edition of Barbie, so why deny your child that happiness? Barbie is no longer a toy for little girls to play with and share their secrets with--Barbie is now a symbol of everything that is evil in marketing. Bitch. This year's must-have toy for Christmas. Oh God...you all know what's like, don't you? Not only are we pressured to buy the latest thing in toy stores, but the media makes a big deal out of it too. I remember the big Tickle Me Elmo rush of 1997. (Or was it 1998? Who cares?) Hordes of mooing cattle stampeding into toy stores all over the country to get their hands on this stupid giggling toy...it was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. That is, until I saw a clip of Rosie O'Donnell actually having a conversation with Elmo on her show. At any rate, every year it's something new, and I have no doubt that it's the result of a carefully-planned marketing scheme every single time. Last year it was Furby, another annoying, talking monstrosity. 1999 has yet to turn up a new must-have toy, but it's only June right now...give it a couple of months and you'll see. I just hope the thing doesn't talk. KILL WAR HURT FIRE SHOOT DESTROY MAIM CONQUER! What's that supposed to mean? I'm just referring to every line of toys aimed at boys, that's all. Barbie may be bad, but she can't hold a candle to the KILL EVERYTHING mentality of boys' toys. And when they're too old for plastic bayonets and rocket-launchers, they'll be introduced to videogames which let you do all this and more, in stunning detail. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that toys and games cause kids to kill. But I do think they do something...they introduce a totally unnecessary element of hyper-violence into those little developing minds, and for these companies to exploit that goes to show how far they will go to make an extra buck. |
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Your local grocery store is a self-contained world of manipulation. From the minute you step in the door, you are exposed to an environment which has been specifically designed to make you shop and keep you shopping for as long as possible. Let's take a look, shall we? The produce section. Most stores these days have their produce section located somewhere on the right, sometimes right by the entrance. Marketing surveys have shown that most people tend to turn to the right when they enter a store, and if the first thing they encounter is fresh produce, well...that gives an impression of farm freshness, wholesome goodness and all that crap. The colorful produce is arranged neatly, carefully waxed to have a nice shine, and sprayed with water every few minutes (hopefully) to enhance that fresh-off-the-farm look. And the feeling is enhanced even more if the bakery happens to be nearby. Below the waist. If you have kids, you'll notice that most of the items that kids would want most are located on the lower shelves at waist-level. Gee, isn't that an odd coincidence. How many times has your kid brought you something he/she just HAD to have, and put it in the basket for you to buy? It didn't come off the top shelf, that's for sure. Items of interest to kids are specifically placed on the lower shelves because Marketing Bastards know that most parents won't refuse the pitiful eyes of a child who wants something. It's just the way Americans are. Item packaging. Take a look at the packing of items (mostly food) the next time you go shopping. You see lots of bright, eye-catching colors. That's the result of more psychological research done in order to prey more effectively on the shopper. Especially red...red is a color that catches the eye and spurs people to action, so it's used most often on snack foods and things like that. Blue and green are calm, cool colors and are seen on a lot of medical and hygiene items. You see, they have it all figured out--they can color-code their products whichever way necessary to give you that "gotta have it" impulse. I'm in no way saying that everything should be sold in a brown paper bag, I just don't like their little mind games. (Besides, brown is a drab, depressing color and wouldn't sell a thing. :-) Coupon blinkers. These are a regular part of grocery stores these days. Surely you've encountered them yourself: you're strolling down the aisle, minding your own business, when suddenly something blinks. A small flash in the corner of your eye, just out of sight...what was it? You turn and scan the shelves in curiosity, until your eyes settle on the small red device sticking out from the shelf. It appears to be a coupon dispenser of some sort, and...yes, it's got a small red light on the corner which blinks about once every 5 seconds. The light is, no doubt, timed just right to allow you enough time to barely catch it the first time, forcing you to look around to discover what it was and (hopefully) take a coupon when you've found it...even if the coupon is for something you wouldn't normally buy. Of course, months of research probably went into this evil little device...studies on peoples' attention spans, etc. And it's all targeted at YOU, to catch your attention and get you to take a coupon for some item you probably don't need. Want to know what I do? If the coupons can be pulled out through the side, I pull one out just far enough to cover that damn light. Item placement. Stores are set up to force you to make a trip through the entire store to get everything you need. The reason behind this, of course, is the hope that along the way you'll find something you want that wasn't on your list. Let's say you want to make burritos. Tortillas should be over by the bakery, but no! They're on an end-display on Aisle 8. And look, Aisle 8 is where they keep the parmesan cheese. You don't normally put parmesan cheese on your burritos, but look! There's a blinking coupon dispenser with coupons for parmesan cheese, golly what a deal! Sometimes, however, food that is normally eaten together is stored together on the shelves to ensure that you find and buy both. Chips and dip are a great example. Some stores are merciful and put items like tortillas at the end of the aisle where the refried beans can be found. (Can you tell I live in the Southwest?) Meat lights. Did you know that meat cases use special lights to "enhance" the redness of the meat? That's why that nice red steak looks delicious in the store, but once you bring it home it begins to look a little brownish. Not to mention the fact that a lot of stores actually bleach their meat to make them seem brighter and redder. Yeah, that's truth in advertising all right. Meat repackaging. Don't be fooled...the date on that fresh hamburger you just bought may be a lie. Meat managers have been known to repackage items that didn't sell as expected, thus giving them another week to try to sell the stuff. I have friends and family in the grocery business and they tell me this is absolutely true...yet another reason I don't eat the stuff. Of course it's illegal to do such a thing, but don't think for a second that a lot of them don't. The all-powerful "savings card". A lot of stores are turning away from clipped coupons and forcing you to give them several bits of personal information (for marketing and demographic research, of course) in exchange for a "savings card". This is basically an ID card that tells the store to give you a discount on something and to free the cashiers up from having to type in a bazillion strings of numbers from all those coupons. (Most of us have stood in line many times behind some nitwit with 3000 coupons, so this part is understandable.) And if you don't get the card, you're pressured about it every time you look at the price of something you want...you'll see the "regular" price, and then you'll see the somewhat lower "savings" price that a cardholder would receive. The cards aren't all bad, but I do dislike having to give them my address, phone number, etc. in order to use one. My name is all they need, thank you. The freebie drones. These people (usually elderly women) stand at the end of an aisle, armed with either a plate of free samples of some unhealthy product or a fistful of coupons--sometimes both--and unless you push your cart by them REAL quick you will be immediately bothered by them. "Would you like to try a free sample of this new and improved bacon-flavored ultra low fat non-dairy spray cheese product?" I avoid these people at all costs...usually I'll time things so that I pass by when someone else gets caught by them, and if necessary I will go down a nearby aisle and back up the other side just to get past them. I could always refuse their offerings, of course, but sometimes it's kinda fun being stubborn. :-) They never offer anything I would actually buy, so why bother? Those coupon packs they hand out are worse because they cause people to buy things they wouldn't normally buy JUST because they have coupons. Impulse items. This is their final attempt to sell you something, anything, as you're checking out. Suddenly you're surrounded by walls of gum, candy, breath fresheners (also known as candy), crossword books, diet booklets (to help you work off all the crap you just bought), pet books, comic books, cigarettes, cheap toys, batteries, fashion magazines, tabloids...it's like a last-minute assault on the shopper, a final blow to your defenses. And it's amazing how many people buy them! "Oh look, honey...Certs! Does my breath still smell like rotting roadkill? I'd better get some so I can have minty breath for two minutes." The fact that the impulse item displays still exist proves that people are buying them, and I'm disappointed in the lack of willpower most people have. |
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Nothing is ever good enough as it is for us, oh no. We love new things, sparkly-sounding things, and the Marketing Scum know this all too well. So they came up with words like "Ultra" and attached it to laundry detergents. Ultra Tide, Ultra Era, Ultra Downy... Then suddenly the word "Ultra" began to be attached to other products, and from there it went even further downhill. Next, they decided to make things New and Improved. New wasn't enough, so they Improved things as well, eh? Great. I'm sure the product is completely different than the Old and Crappy version. Usually "New and Improved" just means that they've added a lemony-fresh scent or something. Gee, how innovative. Hold on to your wallets, folks! Probably the most idiotic thing I've seen so far is the use of computer version numbers on products. I actually saw a flashlight with a name like The Mega Lite 3.0. Seriously. Other products are carrying these numbers too, trying to cash in on the computer-literate ones out there. And the non-computer-literate ones look at them and say to themselves, "Wow, it sounds so high-tech! It must be the best, then..." |
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Advertising Lullabye
Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation. Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking. No cash? No problem. No kidding! No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down-payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments or interest till September. But, limited time only, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for YOU, and just right for your budget! And say...don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener, yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying Thank You. And, if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination keyring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying Thank You. |
Your
life is WORTHLESS without our product. Who do you think
you are? You're just another average person in the world,
nobody special. Your life is drab, boring, and in desperate
need of something to take the pain away. But just think...if
you have our product, imagine how exciting your life will be.
Buy our tennis shoes and you'll run faster and jump higher!
Buy our cola and go snowboarding through the Alps! Buy a new truck
and conquer any mountain! Wear our clothes and be sexy! Buy
our gum and feel a life-transforming explosion of minty coolness!
Buy our hamburgers and satisfy the crushing hunger in your soul!
Anything is possible through our products, all you need to do is
open your wallet. So come on...what are you waiting for?
Improve your life today and buy something. Life just isn't
worth living otherwise.
Everybody
else has one. Why shouldn't you? You feel left out, don't
you? Not part of the crowd? Well, look at your friends.
They're all buying our stuff, and see how happy they are! And
you know what? They secretly hate you for not being like them.
You're different, and people who are different SUCK. (Plus,
you're ugly.) So come on, join the herd and buy our product.
It's only a few bucks, and it will mean acceptance and friendship
throughout life. And if your child wants this product, how
dare you not buy it? Think of the needs of your child!
Do you want your child to be an outcast at school, beat up on the
playground every day? No? Then don't you dare go a
minute longer without buying this for the poor dear...we must put
the welfare of the children above all else, after all.
We
will do whatever it takes. We're so sure that our
products will change your life that we'll do anything to make sure
you buy them. First we'll do some demographics research and
find out everything about your shopping habits: where you shop, why
you shop, how often you shop, what you shop for, who you shop for,
how much you spend on average, and when you're expected to shop
next. Then we'll proceed with an all-out media
blitz...television, radio, print, internet spam, mailbox stuffers,
doorknob fliers, billboards, bus stops, park benches, taxi cabs,
skyscrapers, and phone calls during dinner. And to make them
all as potent as possible, we'll throw in some sex to keep your
soft, over-consuming Pavlovian brain focused long enough to absorb
our commands. Next comes the merchandise tie-ins: toys at
McDonald's, pencils, shampoo, shirts, blankets, buttons, video
games, toothpaste, and much more. Finally, we'll entice you
with some freebies...here, take this coupon. And here's a free
sample to pique your interest. And don't forget our no-risk
in-home trial, free for 30 days and your money back if not
satisfied! But don't worry, no matter how hard you try to
resist, you'll buy what we're selling in the end. We guarantee
it.
I
believe that most of my fellow Americans, the ones who dutifully spend their
hard-earned money on junk they don't need because some advertisement told
them to, are behaving like cattle. Wherever the T.V. or magazines tell
them to buy, they'll buy it. So these are just a few thoughts on our
Cattle Culture.
Christmas Marching
Orders
Fashion
Industry Bullshit
Religious Zealots
Crusading Against Everything
Republicans
are a potpourri of contradictions. They say they want more freedom,
then they turn around and try to tell us who NOT to sleep with, who NOT to
worship, what music NOT to listen to, what movies NOT to watch, and what
NOT to do to ourselves physically. They tout themselves as being
highly moralistic, yet America has seen that they're just as perverted as
everyone else. They go to church and practice their religion, then
they turn their backs on it by damning everyone and everything they don't
agree with to hell 'n' damnation. They don't believe that
homosexuals are entirely human and think they should be treated as
second-class citizens. They're typically pro-life and pro death
penalty at the same time. They love big, pumped-up military budgets
in times of peace. They tell us that drugs such as marijuana are
evil, yet most of them just love a good bottle of beer, cup of coffee, or
cigarette. They love big business and mega-corporations which suck
up resources and keep overconsuming Americans fat and stupid. And
when they say they want to lower your taxes, at the same time they're
thinking of new reasons to raise them. Don't trust a Republican
farther than you can spit a rat.
Democrats are
just as bad, of course. They put emotion before reason and claim to
have a monopoly on caring--they use broad terms like "the children" as an
excuse to take away more and more of your freedom. They wage class
warfare by demonizing the successful people of our society. They
love to punish success with heavier taxes in order to transfer that money
to people who didn't earn it. Their politicians are whores for
federal funding used to create special programs that benefit only certain
people based on race, gender, and sexual preference. They believe
that government should have a hand in every aspect of your life because
you're obviously too stupid to live your own life without their help.
They treat our military as the world's police, sending troops overseas to
meddle with the affairs of other countries. They're trying to ban
everything they claim is bad for you, such as cigarettes and fatty foods.
They play the race card on everything, claiming to be more racially
sensitive than everyone else...but somehow they don't think affirmative
action is racism. They want to ban privately-owned firearms and
disarm the public, leaving law-abiding people defenseless against
criminals who don't follow the gun laws anyway. And when it comes to
raising your taxes, they do it without a second thought and can come up
with a million ways to rationalize it.