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January |
| OK, can we PLEASE let
Keiko the friggin'
whale rest in peace?? Jesus! These people are
acting like this whale cured diseases, ended world hunger, stopped
the aging process, and discovered life on Neptune! It's a
WHALE. Yes, I'm sure he was a nice whale, and I'm sure he had
a kind soul and all that. But come on...a burial mound?
Why don't these kids just build a great flaming funeral pyre and
throw themselves onto it? Get it over with and get on with
your lives, people. Like,
what do you know? Britney Spears, like, was married for a
couple of days and stuff before, like, getting divorced and junk.
But she now says, you know, that she "totally
believes in the sanctity of marriage" and stuff. Like,
cool, Britneh!
Oh, heaven forbid that some dork in
plaid golf pants should feel uncomfortable on his precious waste of
land (a.k.a. golf course) because some
harmless homeless
guy has been living there for the past 40 years. Can
you believe that? These golf morons need to get off their
country-club high horses (golf carts) and feel a shred of
compassion. If he hasn't hurt anyone in 40 years, why would he
start now?
Great news! All you folks in
Iraq will now be able to fully enjoy the sugary, nutrition-free joy
of Pepsi Cola. Yes, Pepsi is looking to
relaunch its line
of soft drinks with full fanfare in Iraq, because everyone knows
that the Great Pepsi Draught during Saddam's reign has caused much
misery amongst his people. Down with dictators, up with
sugerwater! Praise Allah 'n' stuff!
Oh, like we didn't know
this ho was lying
about losing that lottery ticket. Gurl, you ain't foolin'
nobody. |
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February |
| An
FCC investigation
over a breast? Something most of us have had in our mouths at
one time or another (my first/last time being at birth, ahem)?
Are we living in the Dark Ages? It's a breast, not a full
frontal. Grow up and deal with it, America. And as for
you, FCC investigators: shame on you for wasting our money and
insulting our intelligence. I
just can't believe what comes out of the mouths of some people in
positions of authority.
This judge, for
example, had the audacity comment about a rape victim, "Why would he
want to rape her?" And wait till you see his photo. :)
Pot, meet kettle. |
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March |
| The Dark Ages are
alive and well in Rhea County, Tennessee. These people
actually want to ban
homosexuals from living there. "We need to keep them
out of here," says one official. Actually, I have a better
idea. Let's just build a nice big wall around your little
shithole county so you'll be free to live isolated and ignorant.
You can keep inbreeding and producing hateful, ignorant little spawn
who will grow up to be hateful, ignorant adults. We'll call it
the Zoo for Morons and charge people admission to come watch you in
all your evil, hate-filled glory. Sound like a plan? |
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April |
| "Okay, like, our
sorority is gonna give blood at the blood drive, right? And,
like, they don't want us to, you know, give blood if we've got,
like, recent
piercings and stuff, you know? But, like, it's totally
okay to give blood anyway, 'cause, you know, we're, like, a sorority
and stuff, and we gotta win this contest no matter what! Come
on, girls!" Absolutely amazing. The fact that she sent
out an email to 170 people is even more amazing.
Somebody please explain this to me.
WHY is a mother of 14 children (pregnant with unit #15, no less)
being honored
for having so many children? Is it necessary to bring so many
children (in a single family) into this world, and why are we
rewarding this sort of thing? I know it's a personal choice,
and I would never say that a couple can't have children.
But to me, this reveals an irrational desire to breed like rabbits
and carry on some sort of "legacy." Can't two or three kids do
that? What's the rationale behind having 15 children, and how
many will be enough? How sad that this woman appears to have
no other desires or goals in life other than to be barefoot and
pregnant, which is probably just how her husband likes her.
Remember that scene from Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" where the
woman is washing dishes and a baby falls out from between her legs?
"Here comes another one!" It's even more irritating when
parents name all their children starting with the same letter...all
15 of these kids (and the dozens still to come) are all named
Joshua, John-David, Josiah, Jinger (?), etc. *sigh* |
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May |
| This is just too
stupid for words. This
dumbass is actually
vowing to destroy a turkey who scratched his precious gas-guzzling
SUV. "My vehicle just depreciated
quite a bit. But that doesn't matter. He'll be in the freezer
soon." Somebody please slap this guy and tell him to grow up,
would ya please? I sure didn't hear much about
this in the news when it happened: The General
Accounting Office classified three videos produced by the Bush
administration about new Medicare laws as
PROPAGANDA.
That's right! Imagine, propaganda coming from the Bushies!
Who knew? Ho ho! |
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June |
| I am stunned.
There is actually a company which will beam your personal message
into space (for a fee, of course) as a kind of
voicemail to the Great
Beyond. People are actually using this service as a
way to "say goodbye" to loved ones who have died. Some are
gaining "closure" by broadcasting their one-minute message into
space. This is so ludicrous, I almost don't know what to say
(almost). We're dealing with radio waves, people...they travel
through space for eons. Why would you send a voicemail to a
dead relative with radio waves? Is Heaven on a planet on the
other side of the universe? That's where your message is
going, so I hope someone is there to receive it. And has the
technology to make the waves audible. And understands your
language. And... I do understand the emotional side, and
the need to have one last word with someone who has died, but this
just seems silly. (On a side note, it's interesting to see how
many people perceive God and Heaven as far away, in another physical
place "up there," separate from us. It's no wonder so many
people feel detached from God and their dearly departed.)
In their latest absurd effort to scare
the living hell out of us and never give us a worry-free moment
(without providing any specific details as to why), the Bush
folks actually tried to convince us that
portable beer coolers
are the new tools of terror. That's right...a beer
cooler near you could be housing a nuclear device that will
level the entire city. Then again, maybe not. But it
MIGHT!! It's the silliest hunk of terror-related bullshit to
come out of this administration yet. |
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July |
 Just
when we think we've seen the stupidest that the right wing has to
offer, from the childish
Freedom Fries to the staggeringly simple-minded
patriotic ice cream, they somehow manage to pull something
completely new and insulting out of their ass in the name of freedom
and patriotism (oh yeah, and profit). Now we're faced with
patriotic ketchup.
That's right...ketchup. All-American ketchup. Made in
the U.S.A. Hooray...finally we have an alternative to the
tyrannical Heinz brand. It's called "W Ketchup" of all things.
The company swears that the "W" stands for "Washington." Yeah,
sure it does, whatever you say. Are you people finished making
fools of yourselves yet?Oh,
no! Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge just gave us
another warning
about some sort of terror! It's going to happen somewhere in
America at an unspecified date and time. Probably. He
don't know what it is, but it's going to happen one way or another.
Most likely. So stay afraid, America! Never relax!
Never feel safe again, because Tom and the Ministry of Fear want you
on edge at all hours of the day...you know, just in case. |
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August |
| Got an itty-bitty
penis? Drive a Hummer? They go hand-in-hand, you know.
And now you can actually adorn yourself with the
stench of Hummer,
further enhancing the illusion that you actually have something down
there worth speaking of. That's right, now they're making
their own cologne...spray it on and watch the chicks snicker!
Another story from the
Dept. of Religious
Claptrap. So this little girl is deathly allergic to
gluten, which is found in communion wafers. Does the church
allow a substitution? Does the church make any effort to
understand her problem? Does the church stop to consider that
maybe God doesn't care what's in the wafer, but rather is more
interested in her desire to worship the best she can? We're
dealing with religious rules manufactured by people in the name of
God...if you don't agree with Law #39X8473-B on page 845 of Volume
IX of the Catalogue of Holy Laws and Stuff, you're just plain out of
luck...start packin' your bags for Hell or Purgatory or wherever we
think you're going to go. Why? Because we said so.
Who has time for God when we're busy following rules & regulations?
Now, kneel and open your pocketbook. Good girl.
Once again, people are turning to
technology as a way to commune with God...and, as a result, further
separating themselves from God. Now people are emailing
prayers to temples and receiving
text-message
blessings on their cell phones, and they actually seem to
think that this is going to bring them closer to the Divine. I
don't care what version of God you worship, but if you can't be
bothered to sit quietly and actually give your chosen deity a moment
of your time, maybe you ought to just drop your charade and admit
that your religious convictions pretty much a fashion accessory.
Further proof that popular country music is written for the lowest
common denominator out there...
Country-fried twit Charlie
Daniels has basically called an entire group of people
rag-heads with his song "This Ain't No Rag, It's A Flag." What
a clever rhyme, hyuk-hyuk! (This is from the same album which
features a song called "What
This World Needs Is A Few More Rednecks.")
He delivers such deep, thoughtful
lyrics as:
"This ain't no rag, it's a flag and we don't wear it on our heads.
It's a symbol of the land where the good guys live. Are you
listening to what I said?" Yeah, I'm listening. And what
I'm hearing is the same old racism-sprinkled drivel that's been
oozing out of the country music scene since 9/11: we're the
good guys who can do no wrong, all non-Americans are "bad guys", and
we'll be painting the rest of the world with broad strokes for years
to come, right? 'Cause we're America, the center of the
universe. And his statements on this matter indicate that he
just can't understand how this attitude can be insulting and
offensive...he claims to be targeting only certain people, but his
lyrics say otherwise. Well, the world is filled with enough
hate...please keep your inbred, xenophobic tripe to yourself,
asshole. |
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September
This is the month I started
using blogger.com. |
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October |
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November |
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December |
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