Coercion is incredible.  Like Fast Food Nation, this is a jaw-dropping book which will change the way you look at the world around you.  It will make you clearly see the disturbing manipulation and psychological warfare being forced on us by marketing and advertising scum everywhere.  A fun little passage from this book will give you an idea of what I mean:

Today, the most intensely targeted demographic is the baby--the future consumer. Before an average American child is twenty months old, he can recognize the McDonald's logo and many other branded icons. Nearly everything a toddler encounters--from Band-Aids to underpants--features the trademarked characters of Disney or other marketing empires. Although this target market may not be in a position to exercise its preferences for many years, it pays for marketers to imprint their brands early. General Motors bought a two-page ad in Sports Illustrated for Kids for its Chevy Venture minivan. Their brand manager rationalized that the eight-to-fourteen-year-old demographic consists of "back-seat consumers."

That's right...they're not your children, they are back-seat consumers.  Little moneymaking machines.  Are you torqued yet?  You will be. - 12/02


Steal & share this graphic!
11/27/02

Don't join the herd.

This Friday, are you going to follow orders?  Are you going to join the rest of the obedient consumer cattle in a shopping and spending frenzy at malls and department stores everywhere?  Yes, you probably are.  You can't be expected to disobey orders, after all.  If the media and retailers say that you're going on a shopping spree the day after Thanksgiving, then you're going to do it...because they economy is counting on you.  Or something like that.  Right?  Of course, you can always resist.  You can decide that you've had enough of the Christmas shopping obligation.  You can decide that you're tired of the end-of-year debt.   You can spend your money elsewhere, or not spend it at all.  Imagine that!  Actually saving money for the holidays, what a novel concept.  Maybe it's worth a try.  Maybe not.  Moo!  MooOOoOoOOOoOoo!!
NOTE:  Buy Nothing Day doesn't mean that you aren't going to buy ANY Christmas gifts at all...rather, it's a sort "declaration of independence" from the shopping frenzy which assaults us every year.  The media tells us what to do, and we do it...but you can demonstrate control over your own finances and shopping impulses by denying the lure of the mad post-Thanksgiving rush, even if just for a day.  Can you do it? 

Of course, you do have the option of not participating in the Christmas shopping thing at all.  We Americans are the biggest consumers on the planet, spending billions of dollars on material things to satisfy our "needs", which never seem to be satisfied.  At Christmas, we tend to place more value on giving/receiving gifts than anything else.  I believe that more and more people are realizing this and are rejecting the obligation to shop, and are instead focusing on the simpler pleasures of experiences with friends & family rather than material things.  They're tired of the mobs of stampeding shoppers, they're tired of clawing after the year's hottest toy or fashion or whatever the media tells them to buy, and they're definitely getting tired of going into debt year after year and filling their houses up with junk.  Many of my own friends & family share this sentiment...after years and years of swapping gifts, they find their homes loaded up with "stuff", which most often just sits there years after they were given.  I don't want more stuff and I'm tired of giving it, so I'm opting out...and nobody has complained. :-)  It's worth a try!
For an absolutely fascinating, outrageous, mind-blowing, eye-opening slap of reality, read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser.  I cut fast food out of my diet (for the most part) years ago, but this book makes me want to avoid this crap at all costs.  This is a complete history and analysis of every angle of the fast food industry:  its humble beginnings, its evil marketing practices, the treatment of its animals, the barf-inducing details of meat processing, the questionable content of the food, the health/social/economic effects...it's just incredible.  This is one book you're crazy not to read. - 11/02

Just who is the
National Gay & Lesbian Task Force?

They're ignorant, misguided morons.

Here is my letter to the NGLTF (how's that for a fun acronym?) regarding Shirley Q. Liquor.  As RuPaul says in his weblog...yes, at first glace and taken out of context, Shirley's humor may be offensive and possibly racist.  But if you pay attention to the comedy, you won't find him downtalking black people at all.  He actually becomes his character, and it's all done in fun.  Do you laugh at stereotypical white-trash redneck jokes?  Well, then!

To:  ngltf@ngltf.org

First: Now we all know why the word "Force" is in your organization's name.  Second: I'm gay and NOT a religious zealot, so don't immediately hit Delete.  OK, now that the preliminaries are out of the way...

I honestly can't believe that you are putting so much effort behind this silly boycott of Shirley Q. Liquor. As someone who has spoken with many people of ALL colors as well as people from the deep south and beyond, and as someone who has personally talked with Chuck and found him to be an extremely pleasant person devoid of these so-called racist leanings you claim him to possess, I can assure you that you couldn't be more misguided in your sanctimonious "Chuck Knipp is a gay racist bastard" protests.  Have you listened to more than 30 seconds of his comedy?  Have you researched his deep-south childhood and background which led to his appreciation (and dead-on imitation) of this dialect and these mannerisms?  His humor comes out of love and respect, and a wink of the eye...not hatred or an intent to cause harm.  Have you done your homework on this at all, or are you just accepting what a humorless few people are telling you and not investigating this enough on your own?  Gee, let me guess.

The problem with some activists (even gay activists) is that sometimes they see "hate" where there is none, which can be a big problem.  Remember when a certain T.V. preacher went nuts over a purple Teletubby?  Remember when PeTA suggested that people drink beer instead of milk? Yes, your words & actions on this matter are just as ridiculous. And SHAME ON YOU for taking such an opportunistic stance, using this issue to boost your visibility with that tragically uninformed open letter. You're letting the REAL racists & sexists get off easy with this one.  Thanks a lot.

Actually, I DO thank you for this, in a way...it's great fodder for my website.  I typically get up to 2000 hits per week, and I'm sure that SQL fans who happen to see this will get a huge kick out of it.

Barry

P.S.: RuPaul's response to your open letter was brilliant.

This one is from my good friend John (a.k.a. Beelzebozo) in San Diego.  He was much more eloquent with his response...

To whom it may concern:

I find your boycott/protest of Chuck Knipp's website/character, "Shirley Q. Liquor" to be ridiculous.

Chuck Knipp has taken stereotypes of black people, and turned them into a parody of themselves, thus removing any power they may have previously held.

Before you blast out with the standard rote of "But stereotypes are just wrong", let's keep one thing in mind: while stereotypes are overgeneralized and usually derogatory, the fact remains that they were born out of observations of actual behavior exhibited by the person(s) being stereotyped.

In this day and age, it's ridiculous to say that Chuck's performances and website are setting anything back twenty years, or whatever time frame you choose to apply - I think people are bright enough to recognize parody when they see it.

I have been a fan of SQL for almost three years now. In that time, Chuck has always had links to sources about black history and black achievements, so he's hardly racist or dragging anyone down or setting anything back.

Furthermore, he does several shows a year that benefit a variety of charities near and dear to the gay/lesbian/black/white community - in other words, human beings, period.

If you insist upon going after people who insist upon promoting stereotypes, why don't you aim your hatred at someone like Sean Patrick Hayes, who plays Jack on "Will and Grace" - if there has ever been a more dismal portrayal of a gay man, I'd like to see it - prancing around, calling men "she" and "her" and acting beyond promiscuous is hardly the image that needs to be projected to the world at large.

I urge to reconsider your stance on this matter - and try to regain your focus on what's truly important in this world - truth, simplicity, and love.

Sincerely,

John A. Pichardo
 

Part 2
NGLTF:  Cowards

A couple of weeks ago, my friend John wrote the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force an email about their ridiculous stance on Shirley Q. Liquor's humor.  Their response?

Your message was deleted without being read on Thu, 14 Nov 2002 16:52:59 -0500

"Well, isn't this impressive from a group who purports to represent the gay community?" John asks me.  Yeah, no kidding.  So he wrote them another email, and this one appears to have been read. :)

From: "John Pichardo"
To: "Betsy Gressler" <bgressler@ngltf.org>
Sent: Friday, November 15, 2002 4:37 AM
Subject: COWARD

What's the matter, Betsy?

Afraid of a little criticism?

Can't handle the fact that someone who's gay could possibly NOT agree with you or your organization's school of thought?

Guess what?

You DON'T speak for everyone in the gay community.

DEAL WITH IT.

At least have the decency, common courtesy, and intelligence to read what someone might have to say about whatever jackass decision you and your organization pulled out of their ass.

COWARD.

Sincerely,

John Pichardo
 

Part 3
NGLTF:  Cowards...sort of

John received a response from Betsy, stating that she simply forwards email to the appropriate recipients, so the fact that she didn't read his email doesn't mean it was completely ignored.  Fair enough!  John wrote back:

Dear Betsy -

thank you so much for responding so quickly - my apologies for the tone of my e-mail - but Chuck is an old friend of mine, and I find this entire bit of business to be completely ridiculous.

thanks again

John

A few days later, John gets this email: 

Hello John,

A colleague pointed out to me recently that your email to me entitled "Cowards" is posted on this web site: http://www.totalobscurity.com/main.html.  Given your email below in which you apologized for the tone, it seems odd that your note is posted online.  Do you know the person that has posted it?  I would like to ask him to either post our subsequent email exchange or to remove the original posting. Do you have an email address for him that I can use?  Thank you, Betsy Gressler

Wow, looks like someone out there's paying attention. :)  John's response:

Hi Betsy -

I've asked the owner of the site to please post a notice below that you did indeed respond the following day, and that you did forward the email to the person coordinating the Shirley Q. Liquor protest - but, that there has been NO response from that person, nor have they responded to my sending them the original e-mail.

While you did respond in a timely fashion, and, are obviously not a coward, the person responsible for the protest certainly is, and so, we will continue to make the stance.

Perhaps you could suggest to the person that they respond, as we have no problem with escalating the issue to make our point.

thanks,

John

I haven't been home much in the past few days so I haven't updated my site with the latest details, but I'll try to do better in the future. :)  Stay tuned, if you care! - 11/4/02

Anthony and I spotted this pumpkin on the porch of a house in Capitol Hill, Seattle.  Brilliant!!


10/29/02
OK, this is just too funny.  Not only is ever word capitalized the way a preschooler would write, but the author seems confused about his target audience.  Why would a gay male worry about being unable to get a woman?  Hell if I know.  And the bottom part about SpamCop is totally the icing on the cake.  Chocolate icing, that is, because it's 100% BULLSHIT.  SpamCop doesn't sell lists, nor does it "wash" them, whatever the hell that means.  So, of course, I reported these nitwits to SpamCop.  Just out of spite. - 10/17/02

Are You A Gay Male? Are You Lonely And Unable To Get A Woman
Or Just Have Too Much Time On Your Hands? Well Take Your Hand Off
Your Self For A Minute And Come To: www.gaymen.com

You Won't Be Sorry You Admit You're Gay
Anymore, Cause You Will Have The Ball Of Your Life ;)

CLICK HERE TO ENTER
www.gaymen.com

 

 

 

This Is Not UCE You Are Opted In To Our List
Also Our List Was Washed Through The
"SpamCop Wash" We purchased From
 http://spamcop.net

Ever wonder how artificial your food is?  Artificial colors, tastes, textures, smells...it's virtual food.  I just picked up the latest issue of AdBusters magazine and was horrified to read many of the things in there, even though I've read similar things in "Fast Food Nation".  Pick it up and see what you think! - 10/2/02

Mystery Song

What is it?  Can you help me identify it?
Click to play.
10/02


Big Piece of Shit™ Sighted

Looks like Ford has done it again.  This monstrosity was sent in by someone going by the name of Thomas Jefferson.  Not only is this a gigantic, excessive, gas-guzzling, road-hogging Piece of Shit™ similar to another one sighted a few months ago, but it's also driven by someone who claims to be handicapped.  Gee, how handicapped can you be to hoist yourself up into the cab of such a gargantuan machine?  And let's not forget the oh-so-sexy fuzzy dice in the mirror.  Yeah, baby!!  One can only imagine the heaps of weaponry (and possibly dead animals) stored in the back.  Hoooo-boy, them's good eatin', Cletus! - 10/10/02

A recent story about the effects of media images on the self-esteem of men came to mind when I picked up a local gay magazine in West Hollywood during my recent trip there.  So if you've ever wondered if gay magazines and their ads are as vapid and mindlessly sex-driven as the rest, this should give you an idea.  (Yes, there are exceptions.  But not many, from what I've seen.)

Cartoonist Joe Phillips: "I've always felt a need for positive images in the gay community other than just sex."  I see.  And what a wonderful job you're doing!
"What?  Blatantly using sexual innuendo to sell a mattress?  Never!  That would be shameless and shallow!  Our ads don't need such cheap tactics to sell well!"

Yeah, because all the "real guys" you meet on the other end of the line are gonna look like that.
"We'll win your case...and if we don't, we'll beat the shit out of 'em."

"Hey!  Look!  Can ya guess what my favorite pose is?  Huh?  Woohoo!  Where's my drink?"

Will somebody please tell our President something for me?

It's pronounced "nu-CLE-ar"!
Not "nu-CU-lar"!

Why do people, especially a man on the brink of starting yet another war (maybe even a nu-CLE-ar one), find this so difficult to understand?  He has mispronounced this word at least a dozen times in front of the U.N. lately and I just can't watch anymore!  Arrghh!!
Here's the little page which replaced my entire site for 9/11/02.  I wanted to do something simple and direct, with no glaring colors or anything else to distract from the message.

Some of us are gone now.
How shall we remember them?

No flags.

No merchandise.

No war plans.

No blind patriotism.

No fear-mongering.

No vengeance.

No bloodthirsty politicians.

No propaganda.

No division.

No zealots of any religion.

Just for one day.

Honoring them requires none of these things.
Haven't we had enough?

Total Obscurity will return tomorrow.

Why?
Why?
WHY??
 
Most Valuable Primate.  Most Vertical Primate.
That's it... It's time to start boiling these Hollywood people in oil.
(click the pics for full movie details!  yay!)

What's next?

In the next few days, as September 11 approaches, be aware that you, as a citizen and an obedient consumer, are going to be subjected to manipulation on a scale that you have probably never experienced before...aside from the first few weeks following the attacks, of course.  You will be constantly bombarded by dramatic replays (in fast and slow motion) of the plane crashes, footage of people jumping to their deaths, audiotapes of calls made by panicked passengers and WTC employees, heartfelt daytime/nighttime/primetime specials such as "9/11 Through the Eyes of the Children", endless posturing and countless patriotic speeches by corrupt government officials and politicians, and the occasional worthwhile story about heroic rescues.  The point here is not to say that any of it is bad or good...  I am only asking that you be aware of what they are doing.  You will be told how to feel about this situation, so be alert and remember that you are still allowed to have your own opinion and feel however you wish about it.  Patriotic?  Religious?  Numb?  Outraged?  Indifferent?  It's your choice to make, not theirs.  Propaganda is in your face all the time, and it will be especially thick in the next week or so.  Watch for it in every newscast, every primetime special, every dramatic crash replay, every newspaper story, and especially in every speech made by one of our elected officials.  Consider all points of view and come to your own conclusions.  It's all right, trust me.

Let's play
Baby Touch-Up!

I always find it interesting to watch how marketing people manipulate us into buying what they want using the many psychological tools at their disposal.  Here's a great example:  Anthony gave me a Bon Marché sales flyer to look at, because it contains some interesting photos of babies which were OBVIOUSLY touched up.  Look at those eyes!  They've been brightened, sharpened, and given a heavenly, translucent blue color, which (of course) appeals directly to those baby-crazy parents out there who are easily overcome by such cutesy tactics and will head to the Bon as soon as humanly possible.  (You know who you are.)  However, this particular example just looks creepy to me, and I'm not sure why.


"Mommy, will you buy me some overpriced baby clothes at the Bon?  Pweeeeze?"


"Daddy, I just WUV shopping at the Bon!  It makes my eyes shine bright with wonder!"


"Have you got any more milk, Clarice?  Bring me the milk and I'll tell you about the sale at the Bon.  Quid pro quo, Clarice..."

Moron Mailbox

Just a few fun bits of junk mail I've received recently.  The stupidity of them still amazes me, even after all these years of seeing it.  It doesn't infuriate me as much as it used to...these days, it's a form of entertainment.  They're so badly written, and so obviously trying to fool you into thinking they're legitimate e-mails...it's just amazing.

Oh wow!  I'm SO lucky that Candice, a nubile young swimming instructor, is writing to ME personally to show me her webcam.  I feel so special to get such a personal invitation to see her romping around on her camera.  I'll bet her webcam has some HOT girl-on-girl action!  Yeah...too bad I'm GAY.  Candice, you ignorant slut.

From: Candice
Subject: here is my site...for your eyes only!!
Sender: Candice
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2002 12:18:28 -0400

Hello, my name is Candice, I am an 18 year old swimming instructor from Longbeach. I am intelligent, sexy and discreet. I love to laugh and have fun. Like most young girls, i like to go out with my friends and dance all night. When I'm home and have nothing to do, I love to chat and be naughty n naked on my webcam.

Get a chance to catch me "LIVE" on my webcam. I'm waiting for you....oh and the best part its 100% FREE!

http://61.220.72.73/true/candice/ <---My site!

later baby,
mmwa!

 OK, forget about the mind-bogglingly stupid idea behind this spam... I just wanna know what the hell "wsupz" means.  Does this twit have a lip & tongue problem?  And does she have a pinky finger problem, causing her to Capitalize Every Friggin' Word She Types?  I know these spams are written by asshole marketing people (usually men) trying to impersonate the people their victims fantasize about, but come on.  Try a little harder, will ya?

From: SweetJenny90170@msn.com ()
Subject: Yahoo Online Greeting From [Anonymous]
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2002 01:51:28 +0200

Hey Wsupz, My Name Is Jenny. I Saw Your Name On This One Website. Your Like 18-23 Right? Well To Be Honest With You, I Kind Of Like You ;D. I Wanna See How You Look Like, Lets Trade Picz! Check Out My Website With My Picz On Em!.http://www.free-webcam.envy.nu/freepicz.htm
Ahhh, the classic Nigerian Money Transfer Scam.  "Help!  We, the Nigerian government, urgently need assistance from you, a random & anonymous person, who will let us transfer a shitload of money into your account.  Why?  Because we trust you, a random and anonymous person."  Are people really stupid enough to fall for this?  Yes, they are.  In droves.  It amazes me how gullible people are.  Just because they read it online, it must be true, right?  I'm sorry, but anyone who falls for such an obvious and idiotic scam DESERVES to be ripped off.

From: "Chief Felix Ademola"
To: byarr@hotmail.com
Date: Fri, 2 Aug 2002 01:48:38 -0700
Subject: Immediate Response

From: Chief Felix Ademola
Telephone: 234 1775 5791
American Internet Fax: 18015167986

Request for Transfer Assistance.

You were introduced to us in confidence through the British Chamber of Commerce, Foreign Trade Division. The reason for this letter is that your help is being sought in order to facilitate and successfully complete a profitable venture that is of immense benefit to you, and us the originators within a stipulated timeframe. I would like to firstly send to you the best wishes of good health and success in your pursuits particularly through my proposal as contained in this letter.

Before going into details of my proposal to you, I must first implore you to treat with the utmost confidentiality, as this is required for its success. My colleagues and I are senior officials of the Federal Government of Nigeria’s Contracts Review Panel (CRP) who are interested in diverting some funds that are presently floating in the accounts of the Central Bank of Nigeria. In order to commence this transaction, we solicit for your assistance to

[snippity-snip...blah blah blah, spam spam spam]

Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the above Tel and fax numbers only, The fax is an America internet fax number, it was acquired for the purpose of confidentiality. I will bring you into a more detailed picture of this transaction when I hear from you.

Best regards,
Chief Felix Ademola.

Total Obscenity!

Oh!  I just love it when someone out there doesn't get the absurdist humor on this site.  I was forwarded a couple of e-mails from someone who is offended by my site's content, so here are a couple of fun excerpts.  To protect her identity, I'll just call her "Krista".

Regarding the squirrel sex photos:  "If it was on the discovery channel that would be one thing.  Why would you put that on your website?  Why would you use the word fornication when it is two squirrels mating?"  The funniest part is that the tone of my comments was mocking prudish people exactly like Krista, who are offended by everything.  "Look at those filthy animals, fornicating in plain sight.  Someone should do something about that!"  I'm guessing (hoping) that Krista would also be outraged by the mating seahorses.  Shocking!

Regarding a particular SporkCam shot from my front page:  "I went to the website again. In a 30 second time period (that is all I could stand) there was swearing, oh my god!!, two people filping [sic] someone off.  That is just to name a few.  I asked a VERY LIBERAL guy who knows nothing about what the website is about what he thought.  His words: OBSCENE."  Oh no, swearing!  Save me, Baby Jesus!  Lighten up, they're just words.  Consider the context and maybe you'll appreciate them.  And Krista...just who is being flipped off here?  Anyone in particular?  You?  The President?  Mother Theresa?  A helpless child?  What?  Or do you think it's just a silly and, yes, flippant gesture made by two guys goofing off with a webcam?  Lighten up!

OK, here's the deal.  The content of this site is (mostly) written with a mix of humor, satire, sarcasm, and absurdity.  I don't go out of my way to offend people...in fact, I could be MUCH worse here, because my humor gets pretty twisted.  But I don't, because I don't always find it necessary.  So if you're a delicate flower who is so easily offended by my website, then it's obviously miles out of your narrow scope of humor and I'm not going to waste my breath explaining it to you, because it's really not that complicated.  My advice to you is to flee back to the unthreatening safety of your NetNanny-approved sites and Guideposts Magazines.

Have a nice day!

Burning Up

My aunt Jonee took these pictures from the porch of her home on the outskirts of Winslow, AZ, north of where those gigantic fires are raging.  The smoke on the horizon is incredible, and when it drifts into her area, visibility is cut way down.  This is some seriously scary shit.  Luckily, Winslow isn't quite within the reach of these fires, but they aren't ruling anything out just yet.

My mother in Winslow sent me this e-mail yesterday:

My God, the state is on fire up in the north, over near Hawley Lake, Show Low, Heber, etc.  Hundreds of homes have burned and the fire is totally out of control.  The streets of Winslow are full of smoke, with about three blocks of visibility.  We're having a hard time breathing, and our eyes are burning.  Our high school gym is taking in evacuees from the White Mountains, so I've been over there sizing things up regarding how the Chamber can help.  ...This thing could burn up the entire Mogollon Rim, Payson, Flagstaff, everything.  Their residents will be pouring into Winslow if worse comes to worse, and we'll need a lot of help.  I'm glad Grandma isn't here to see Show Low evacuated--because that whole town is likely to burn up.  I'm going home to watch a news conference and will let you know later how its going.

OK, I'm officially freaked out.



Click to see larger versions.

Here's a fun pic currently making the rounds through e-mail.  I'm sure thousands of people have guffawed over such a "cute" image, but doesn't it disturb anyone out there to see such raw hatred emanating from a kid, and directed at a rival sports team, of all things?  Look at his face.  Yeah, yer daddy taught you well, kid.  You'll make a fine school bully someday.

Big Piece of Shit™ Sighted

This mindlessly oversized, space-hogging, gas-guzzling, inexcusably excessive Piece of Shit™ was recently spotted maneuvering and parking its unwieldy self into a shopping center parking lot.  Similar to many other sightings of big Pieces of Shit™, it was being driven by a small woman who didn't seem to be hauling anything, not even children, which might require such an outrageously massive vehicle.  It boggles the mind why such vehicles are routinely owned and driven by people in city settings where parking (aside from lots like this) is usually tight, not to mention the rising cost of gasoline.  And yet, the owners of such Pieces of Shit™ are usually the ones who complain the loudest about lack of parking spaces and horrible gas prices.  Ahhh, it's American excess in full bloom!
Horrifying Toy of the Month - My brother Patrick found this monstrosity at a local toy store, and I have to say that it definitely fits into the "Why in the hell would they make a toy like THAT?" category.  A dancin', shakin' James Brown "Godfather of Soul" doll?  What were they thinking?

This thing scares me.  It's not cute, it's just plain FRIGHTENING.  Look at it!  Would you want this thing lurking in the corner of your room staring at you with those creepy eyes while you sleep?  No thanks!

Come to think of it, this thing bears a striking resemblance to the Zuni Warrior Doll from the cult classic Trilogy of Terror.  Remember him?  The magic necklace falls off his neck, and suddenly he's screaming and chasing poor Karen Black around her apartment with his little knife.  Maybe the James Brown doll is the same way:  his little microphone falls out of his hand, and suddenly he's assaulting you...then he gets into a high-speed car chase and serves a couple of years in prison.  Or something like that.

No, I certainly wouldn't want either of these things in my house at night, especially if it's shoutin' and hollerin'!

Powerful Words from Hollywood

Here's, like, you know, an excerpt from Diane Sawyer's interview with, you know, actor Ben Affleck on "Good Morning America" regarding his, like, new nuclear-scare movie, "The Sum of All Fears, You Know".  Like, let's enjoy this stunning dialogue, you know?

SAWYER: But we have been reading that the White House, at least on sourced basis, is saying that this really could alarm people too much and you could whet the appetite somehow of terrorists.

AFFLECK: Yeah, that, to me, I think is probably not true. I mean, first of all, it's on these, like, tabloid Internet sites which, I think if the White House really wanted to say something, they probably would find a way to do it other than, like, The Drudge Report, or something. And secondarily, you know, the White House has known about the movie and been aware of it for a long time. We did a screening in Washington last week with, you know, a bunch of senators and military folks and intelligence folks. And if they were really concerned about it, I think they would have addressed some of that. And also, it seems that the White House has been, you know, as interested in raising awareness as anybody, with the many warnings from Bush administration officials, including Condoleezza Rice and Vice President Cheney about, you know, the inevitability of future attacks and being on guard and that sort of thing.

SAWYER: And respectfully, you were respectfully wary of trying to follow Harrison Ford's foot-steps. But you're playing a very, a young and much more naive kind of Jack Clancy.

AFFLECK: Yeah. This, you know, this version of it, you know, Alec and Harrison played this part and did it expertly and I have nothing but, you know, admiration for those guys and didn't really imagine that I could follow them. And the way that I kind of felt good about doing this was that they were sort of starting at the beginning, that he was going to be kind of, you know, less capable, new on the job, still trying to figure things out. You know, only dating this woman who, we know from the other movies, he'll end up marrying, but still in that stage in his life where he's trying to juggle his romantic life and his career. And a little eager, sometimes saying the wrong thing. And it sort of gave us somewhere to go, you know what I mean? For the character. But nonetheless, it was scary and I didn't want to be the guy who ruined a franchise of movies that I really loved growing up, you know?

Recently I was shocked--SHOCKED--to discover squirrels in my back yard engaging in sinful and unclean activities.  Yes, it's true...these foul animals were fornicating right there in plain sight for all to see.  Didn't they think of the other animals in the area which might have been offended?  What about all the birds and raccoons and insects which are easily corrupted by the sight of such deviant behavior?  I am truly appalled.  And, of course, I had to take photos.

Bullshit Burger

My brother's friend Dan Sobczak sent this in.  It's a typical example of an outright advertising lie.  We've all noticed this one, but it's still fun to put on display.  Big, beefy burgers?  Yeah, right!  What a crock.  And yet, people just accept this kind of advertising lie and keep buying the stuff.  I think people should bring a photo of the advertised burger into the restaurant and demand that their burger look just like it.  But that will never happen, because apparently the typical consumer doesn't mind getting ripped off.

Ok... so I go to lunch today and, since i'm low on cash and starving, I decide to hit the Wendy's drive-in (I haven't eaten at any fast-food place in 1 1/2 years cuz of my migraines, but I was feeling more than adventurous today, probably due to the fact that I saw Episode 2 last night and must've delusionally thought the Force was with me or something...)  Anyway -- so I get back to the office, unwrap the foil from my Wendy's Classic Single with Cheese hamburger, and low and behold it looks like this!

So I'm thinking... this is THEE most pathetic looking hamburger I've seen in quite some time! So that got me wondering... what do the photos of Wendys' burgers look like on their website? Do they look the same as my pathetic, squished, pounded-down, roughed-up Classic with Cheese, since this is obviously what Wendy's is selling on a daily basis? Of course not!

They're nice, robust, plump, juicy, fresh-looking burgers that look like they just came hot off the grill and on to your dinner table! Mmmm mmm good!  Yeah, yeah, we've all noticed this reality check, and it's even been poked fun at by Michael Douglas in Falling Down (one of my all-time favorite films!)... But since I happened to have a digital camera handy, I figure it's worth one more jab at fast-food and the reality thereof in general...

The pix were taken immediately after the foil was unwrapped to expose the poor, pathetic-looking burger. No image trickery and no manipulation of the hamburger had been performed on the poor little burger (other than what it was subjected to at the hands of the Wendys staff who prepared it).... This is exactly how it looked straight out of the bag... pathetic!
So!   The news is out:  Bush and the White House (aaaand the FBI) apparently had forewarning about some sort of terrorist attack involving airplanes and rabid Muslim extremists.  They didn't have enough information to stop the attacks, but people are angry about it and asking questions.  Well, how DARE you question our President at a time like this, when our country's freedom is on the very brink of being snatched away from us by terrorists?  How DARE you criticize this brave man who has put his own life on the line to defend our cherished American way of life?  What are you, some sort of anti-American sympathizer pig?  A rabble-rousing hippie communist peacemongering scumbag, aiding an abetting the enemy in this time of warfare?  You people ought to be ASHAMED of yourselves!  Critical thinking and asking questions about actions taken (or not taken) by our beloved President outright smacks of treason.  Anyone who raises ANY questions about our brave President's actions can go straight to Hell as far as I'm concerned.  Why?  Because I'm a PROUD AMERICAN, and PROUD AMERICANS don't ask questions about their leaders' behavior or criticize them during highly-patriotic times like these.  So those of you who attacked others who didn't follow the party line, who refused to get caught up in the fairweather patriotism and War Fever spreading like wildfire, who dared to speak their contrary opinions in the face of blind, fanatical flag-waving...if you attacked people like that for being unpatriotic, you may kindly shut up now.  We have learned the lesson you taught us well:

Raising questions is BAD.
Blind, feel-good patriotism is GOOD.

Got it?  Now, go do some patriotic shopping!
Sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh, but I just couldn't help myself.  :-)  Read the disclaimer on the above shopping page before you send me hate mail, would ya?


The New Addams Family

Liza Minnelli & obviously gay new hubby, joined by Michael Jackson (the ghoul with bad hair) and Elizabeth Taylor (the ghoul with bad everything).

Do you think this golf trophy was designed by a MAN?  Gee, I wonder!  It's long, hard, curved, and has a golf ball "head" on the end.  It may as well have two more balls at the base, geez.  I'm sure many sports dorks have made this recent AP photo into wallpaper for their PCs.  I can just hear them sniggering about it:  "Yeah, kiss it baby!  Huh-huh-huh..."

No, he's not kidding.  I saw this guy at the 50th St. offramp yesterday (4/23) and couldn't help snapping a pic.  I had $10 in my wallet, but I didn't think he'd be up for that!

These street corner opportunists are such a hoot sometimes.  They sit on the corners and freeway on/offramps (where you will be a captive audience), doing their best to look pathetic and helpless, and it just smells fishy.  One of the ones I see on a regular basis has a sign that says "Any†hing helps!" (the "t" was a bold cross, hoping to appeal to good Christians out there).  Another guy wears a Walkman with headphones...pretty good for a homeless guy, eh?  One woman on the corner of Denny & Stewart does her best Oscar performance of looking downtrodden and unfortunate...her sign says "Very sick, need help.  God Bless."  (95% of their signs say "God Bless" at the bottom, I've noticed.)  Yesterday she was chugging Gatorade and smoking a cig.  Wow, you're that sick, eh?  MmmHmmm.  Nice try.  But the one which annoys me the most is the lady whose sign says that she's trying to feed her hungry kids.  Hmmm, I don't see any kids...where are they, stashed in the bushes?  Again, nice try.

Barry Young, a talk radio host in Phoenix, often tells his audience about the times that he actually offered work to these guys who had signs reading "Need money and work, please help".  He would pull up to them and offer them REAL work: "Hey, I've got some stuff in my yard that needs to be moved back into my garage.  I'll pay you $10/hour for 2-3 hours of work.  Interested?"  Every single time, they would make up an excuse to turn him down.  Why?  Gee, I wonder.  Why do actual work when you can prey on peoples' pity & guilt with no effort at all?  What a shame it is that these people distract from the REAL homeless folks out there who actually need help.  (No, I'm not a cruel & heartless bastard.  I just know bullshit when I see it.)

Spank-a-Spammer

Just a few e-mails from network administrators letting me know that they've spanked certain spammers after I reported them through the fabulous SpamCop.  Life's little victories...  Of course, spammers can always get new accounts and abuse new servers, but it's kind of fun to shut them down for a bit.

From RCN.com:  "I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that the offending user has been tracked down and dealt with by us. If you should have any further problems please let us know. Thank you for your time and help."

From Lava.net:  "Aloha, Thank you very much for your report of spam originating from one of LavaNet's networks. The information you provided was sufficient to allow us to trace the problem to one of our clients running a mail server which had been misconfigured as an open relay and was being victimized and exploited by spammers attempting to obfuscate the true source of the abuse. The customer has been notified of the problem and they have disabled the service which allowed the spammers to make unauthorized use of their resources."

From Viaverio.com:  "Your address has been removed from all PMG lists. This process normally takes 24-48 hours. We are also contacting our customer and looking into this."

From Hotmail:  "I appreciate your bringing this matter to our attention. I have closed the account you reported in accordance with the Hotmail Terms of Use (TOU). It is a strict violation of the TOU for our members to send objectionable material of any kind or nature using our service."

From Lycos.com:  "Thank you for contacting the Lycos Network Abuse Department.  The member and/or site you reported to the Terra-Lycos Abuse Team has been removed from our servers."

From Ispi.net:  "Done! sent information to his ISP.. hope they take action! thanks!"

Attack of the Butt Nazis

Court upholds 197-year-old sodomy law
"Screw privacy," justices say

More people living in the Dark Ages.  I'm going to start calling these people "Butt Nazis" because they sure seem to have a fascination with what people do back there.  "Yoo vill NOT touch ze arse, ja?  Nozink vill go into ze hindqvarters!  Der poop-chute ist NICHT for peepee funtimes!  NO touchy-touchy!  NO soup for you!  Alles klar??"  The Butt Nazi in question this time is Louisiana State Rep. Tony Perkins, who's worried that by not upholding this archaic and intrusive law against a victimless activity, the state would be "legitimizing homosexuality."  Hello??  What color is the sky on your planet, Mr. Perkins?  Don't you realize that STRAIGHT PEOPLE HAVE ANAL SEX TOO????  Heteros do it, homos do it, bisexuals do it...every flavor of sexuality does it.  Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  People have been doing it since the dawn of time, knowing that God is more concerned with peoples' love for each other than what they do in bed.  I'm sorry if you can't handle reality, Mr. Perkins, but I suggest that you pull your nose out of that big dusty Bible and get out a little more.  Expand that teeny little worldview you have, and maybe someday you'll realize that people ignore senseless laws like this all the time, and they enjoy themselves thoroughly while they're at it.  In fact, you sound like you could use a little poke yourself.  Jawohl!

Sponsored by:

Eagle Talon with Absurdly Large Spoiler

Look at my car!  It's cool!  I'm fast!  Like it?  Betcha do!  Betcha wish you had a big spoiler like this!  Yeah!  I made it in my high school metalshop class!  It's big!  Do you like me now?  Cool!  I hope I can get home in time to see COPS and America's Biggest Dickweeds!
(Thanks to my brother for this freeway pic!)

About that pig-roping incident...

In a recent edition of Quantum Moronics I commented on a story about a college beauty pageant rehearsal which resulted in violence over a pig-roping routine.  Soon after, I got an e-mail from Summer Bertram who filled me in on the matter in more detail.  This is great stuff!!

hi...

i've read your page for ages and enjoy your screeds against mcdonald's and other symbols of the lard-dulled conglomerate that is the postmodern middle class. just wanted to let you know how totally apropos i think it is that you picked up on the belle of the blue pageant story at georgetown college. i'm a graduate of g.c., which normally brings me pride, but i agree that this particular skirmish highlights all that is shallow about these "scholarship pageants". i also thought, in the interest of being able to taunt more fully, you might be interested to know a tad more about these people.

the contestant who was supposedly injured was voted "miss congeniality", that much is true. however, friends who are still on campus inform me that this was a huge joke on the part of all the other contestants. apparently, this girl had been such a wench all week long, to other participants and pageant organizers alike, that they voted her miss congeniality in a move that said: 1) "we know there is no possible way you will ever place in this pageant", and 2) "we will laugh at you behind your back for the rest of your college career if you think this congeniality thing is legit". their plot worked, and the campus has a new laughingstock, it would appear. ah, poetic justice.

also, the administrator who was arrested for assault makes mr. rogers look like the terminator. if you could see this woman, you would know that she is incapable of assaulting a q-tip. the g.c. campus contains just under two thousand people, including faculty, staff, students, and frat boys. kathy wallace is maybe the third-to-last of these in a lineup according to "ability to assault", right in front of lester the eighty-year-old maintenance man, and the cafeteria lady who feeds ice cream cones to the squirrels after dinner.

in my ever-so-humble opinion, incidents like these are the primary reason that the rest of the country thinks of kentuckians as inbred, pitlicking, 'shine-swilling morons. i'm the first to admit that we have our share of dolts and mutants, but some of us do have a few functioning synapses left, and it's a shame that we have to fight against the residue of this baloney to reach a level playing field with the rest of the country. ah well, such is life in the bluegrass.

summer
Yes, this is a feel-good thing that a friend e-mailed to me, but I think it has some merit, unlike most of the other crapola people tend to pass around.  I don't know (or care) if this really happened or not...just think about what it says.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter.  He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.  The students laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full?  They agreed that yes, it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.  The rocks are the important things--your family, your partner, your health, your children--anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.  The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on smaller scale.  The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car.  The sand is everything else.  The small stuff.  If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks.

The same goes for your life.  If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important.  Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life.  Play with your children.  Take your partner out dancing.  There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first-the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.  The rest is just pebbles and sand.

ATTENTION, YAHOO USERS!

If you have a Yahoo profile (not just e-mail), you have just been "volunteered" to receive spam through e-mail, regular mail, and phone.  Yahoo recently added a "marketing preferences" screen with many options for receiving junk mail, and they all DEFAULTED TO YES.  That's right, they made your decision for you.  So run, not walk, to your Yahoo profile and set these options to NO!  Read the full story for more details.  This is absolutely ridiculous and Yahoo should be ashamed.

This is good stuff.  Feel free to copy & paste it into an e-mail of your own to share!  And please read my How to be a Good Netizen page for some good tips on how to avoid being an annoying turd to your friends. :-)

The 12-Step Program for Hopeless Forwarders

Everyone say it with me:

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a Taco Bell dog if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail...  NEVER--NEVER!!

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything!  He did when he was 7 years old.   He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS GET-WELL CARDS!

9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail.   NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to.   The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ.  If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon...or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.
Last night (3/8) I did something new:  I participated in Guerrilla Queer Bar, which is basically where a bunch of us converge on an unsuspecting straight bar and invade it for a few hours.  So I put on my current favorite t-shirt, and my friend Hal drove us to West Seattle to Rocksport Bar & Grill.  We knew when we got in there that it was going to be fun.  Big video screens everywhere showing nothing but sports-sports-sports, and plenty of confused-looking straight guys sitting there wondering what the hell was going on while dozens of gay folks stood there swilling beer and cocktails around them.  A couple of guys in front of Hal at the bar were debating whether or not to leave, but one of them had just ordered a new pitcher of beer, so they decided to stay after all.  Ahhh, the power of beer!  So it was a lot of fun...four of us sat in the middle of the place and drank & visited like usual, while more and more people showed up.  I saw people there I had never seen before, which was kind of refreshing.  Eventually the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence walked in, which is always interesting...but we knew the tide had finally turned for good when someone got control of the jukebox and played "Ray of Light", followed by "Dancing Queen" (gag).  Surprise, surprise.  Later on we went to this new bar called Guppys, which was cool.

Anyway, it was a fun evening.  We saw a few confused straight guys looking around like deer in headlights...but nobody was in anyone else's face, everyone was talking and drinking, having a good time.  Wow, I almost felt my butchness level rise a few degrees there.
This lovely photo appeared on the Associated Press back in October.  Some highly intelligent Navy crewman, obviously paying careful attention to his job and taking his mission seriously as a representative of our noble armed forces, decided to scrawl a vastly moronic (and misspelled) slur on a bomb to be dropped on Osama's guys.  The AP pulled this photo with lightning speed only hours after it hit the web, of course, and I wasn't able to find it anywhere online...until a nice guy named Michael Reese e-mailed it to me.  Isn't it wonderful??  It's truly an inspiring personal statement by a crewman who had something definite to say:  "I'm young, dumb, and in the Navy...and I can't wait to get back home so I can watch 'Varsity Blues' again."
Read it! - This is a scathing look at the Media's distortion of reality in favor of ratings and political agendas.  We all know that the media has a certain tilt to it, but to hear an analysis of it from an insider like Goldberg is bound to make you not only more skeptical and cynical about what you see & hear on the news, but angry as well.  Yes, some of the info here is anecdotal, but some is also factual and researchable.  He's a liberal, so this is not an attack on liberalism but an attack on those in the media who claim to be "fair and accurate" in their reporting, and are far from it.  Of course, people in the media are ripping him to SHREDS over this, and it's laughable to watch them try to defend their crappy reporting practices.  Tom Shales recently attacked Goldberg on a very personal level in his "critique" of the book.  He even attacks Goldberg's physical appearance instead of picking apart the actual information in the book!  It's both pathetic and laughable.  The reviews on Amazon.com are interesting...several the 1-star reviews are written in a suspiciously similar manner, and one was supposedly written by a 13-year-old who happens to write like an adult and use words like "fascist".  Hmmm.  Anyway, grab this book from a bookstore or library and dig in.  It's good stuff, no matter which way your politics lean.
Prez Shrub sez:  Save the country! Do your part! Go to the mall!  Buy crap you don't need!  Support the economy!  Hand over your cash!  Shop-shop-shop!  Hurry!  America needs you!  We can do it!

Malls and shopping centers:  the temples of our culture.  Apparently this is where we go to "pray" for a better tomorrow.

I'm staying home.

Meanwhile, the FBI has been saying all along that more attacks are imminent...and finally, just recently, Shrub manages to admit that yes, we are still in danger and that shopping may not fix everything after all.  A revelation!

I used to have shrubs in front of my bedroom window.  The problem was, it was far too easy to see through them...

I've got the answer!!

Yes, I have come up with the answer to this nasty situation between the U.S. and Islamic terrorists.  I bring you... Angel of PeaceTM Barbie.  According to the box, "Angel of PeaceTM Barbie doll brings a gentle reminder that peace is hidden in every moment--and in her gentle eyes lies a silent invitation to be still, if only for a little while, to discover it."  Amen!  Wars don't work...sanctions don't work...but Angel of Peace BarbieTM might be just the thing we need.  Resplendent in her heavenly blue gown made of tafetta and whisper-light chiffon, her angel wings seem to reflect the golden light of an early morning sunrise.  How could any terrorist scum look upon this heavenly sight and not collapse into tears of peace and harmony and stuff?  My good friends recently bought me one for my 30th birthday in order to torture me...but since gazing upon her awesome beauty with my own eyes, I know that this plastic wonder can solve all our problems if we would only open our hearts (and wallets) to the magic that is Barbie.  Wake up, America...war is not the answer.  Send in the Angel of PeaceTM!!