The wisest man I ever knew
taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I
never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of
having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
A woman told me her child
was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh,
great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
If a man is smiling all
the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
If lobsters looked like
puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're
still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so
it's OK. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a
tank should be made to paint names on their shells: "Happy,"
"Baby Doll," "Junior." I defy anyone to drop a
living thing called "Happy" in rapidly boiling water.
I feel sorry for homeless
gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if
you were gay and homeless, you'd probably be glad just to have
a closet.
I can't bear to go to the
children's zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be
kept in those little cages.
Why do foreign soldiers
march funny? Do they think we march funny? If we do, how would we know?
Some see the glass as
half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
Kilometers are shorter
than miles. Save gas, next time take your next trip in kilometers.
If you love someone, set
them free. If they come home, set them on fire.
Whenever I see a large
crowd, I always wonder what was the most disgusting thing any one of
them ever did.
It is impossible to know
accurately how you look in your sunglasses.
Hey kids! It's mostly
bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And
when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he
means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got
in there?
Most people are not
particularly good at anything.
Why do we turn lights
"out" when we turn most other things "off"?
It is a sad thing to see
an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.
"Preschool
teacher": If it's not a school, why do they need a teacher? Don't
they need a "preteacher"?
I have as much authority
as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I never eat sushi. I have
trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
For a long time it was all
right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So
they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their
thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
In comic strips the person
on the left always speaks first.
Piano lessons sound like
something a piano should take. Humans should take piano-playing lessons.
Where does the dentist go
when he leaves you alone?
You know why I stopped
eating processed foods? I began to picture the people who might be
processing them.
Things you don't want to
hear: "Jeff? We're going to have to break your skull again and
reset it. Okay? It's way out of line. It looks really strange. But we
won't do it until we've opened up that incision and put some more fire
ants inside of you. Okay?"
If I only had one tooth, I
think I would brush it a real long time.
Someone said to me,
"Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a
sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny
18-year-old billionaire.
I'll bet there aren't too
many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
Regarding smoking in
public: Suppose you were eating in a restaurant, and every two minutes
the guy at the next table threw some anthrax germs in the air. Wouldn't
you want to sit in a different section?
The idea of a walk-in
closet sounds frightening. If I'm ever sittin' at home and a closet
walks in, I'm gettin' outta there.
If you have chicken at
lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew
each other?
"No comment" is
a comment.
If you get cheated by the
Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
In England in 1830,
William Hukkison became the first person ever run over by a railroad
train. Wouldn't that make you feel stupid? For millions and millions of
years there were no trains, and then suddenly they have trains and you
get run over?
If Helen Keller had
psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
The word bipartisan
usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
How can there possibly be
a self-addressed envelope? They say now they even have envelopes that
are self-sealing. This I gotta see!
Some national parks have
long waiting lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to
wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
In the movies, when
someone buys something they never wait for their change.
Why is it with any piece
of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and
switches you never use?
The mai tai got its name
when two Polynesian alcoholics got into a fight over some neckwear.
"The friendly
skies." "The skies are not cloudy." How is this possible?
I look up, I see one sky.
Environmentalists changed
the word "jungle" to "rain forest", because no one
would give them money to save a jungle. Same with "swamps" and
"wetlands."
It is impossible for an
abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
I don't believe there's
any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans,
when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Sometimes on a rainy day I
sit around and weed the losers out of my address book.
What exactly do you do
when the Dalai Lama appears on "Nightline", and you're not
satisfied with his answers?
Granola bars didn't sell
very well when they were good for you. Now they have caramel, chocolate,
marshmallow, saturated fat, and sweeteners; and a small amount of oats
and wheat. Sales picked up.
Shopping and buying and
getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is
immune: when the underclass riots in this country, they don't kill
policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
If you want to keep your
dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of times a week.
Something is dreadfully
wrong in this country: There is now an "empathy breast." It is
a wrap-around vest that has a pocket for placing the baby's bottle in.
The new father wears it while "nursing" the baby. Jesus!
What a spot! You're in
surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as you wake up you realize that
someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a
garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, "We're
out of anesthetic, but if you'll hold on real tight to the sides of that
gurney, I'll have that other leg off in a jiffy."
I read that Domino's Pizza
trucks have killed more than twenty people. And that's not counting the
ones who eat the pizza.
A group of cult people has
emerged who not only believe Elvis Presley is alive, but have decided
that if they find him they will kill and skin him.
Ross Perot. Just what a
nation of idiots needs: a short, loud idiot.
Something is dreadfully
wrong in this country: there is actually an organization called
Wrestlers Against Drugs, and on T.V. there is now a Christian
weight-lifting tour.
I thought it would be nice
to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a
whole lot to do in a place like that.
Now the brainless New Age
spiritual zombies are using bulldozers to vandalize the Ouachita
National Forest in Arkansas in search of crystals. Nothing like that
being-in-harmony-with-nature shit.
In some places, a
seventeen-year-old girl needs a note for being absent from school, but
she does not need one to get an abortion.
Regarding Mout Rushmore:
the Black Hills are sacred Indian ground. Imagine the creepy feeling of
four leering European faces staring at your ancestors for eternity.
There's a moment coming.
It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future. It hasn't
arrived. Here it comes. Here it is . . . shit! It's gone.
Owing to a basic
programming flaw, many computer calculations, including mortgages and
pensions, will be thrown off by the arrival of the year 2000. It's
because many computer programs use only the last two digits for
calculating years. It will cost between 50 and 100 billion dollars to
correct this mistake. I'm glad. I like anything that causes trouble.
A sure way to cure hiccups
is to jam your fist down the affected person's throat and quickly open
and close your hand several times. It relaxes the vega nerve.
I love it in a movie when
they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No,
especially when it's not a movie.
I only respect horoscopes
that are specifc: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool
knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus."
I'm in favor of personal
growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
Whenever I hear about a
"peace-keeping force", I wonder, if they're so interested in
peace, why do they use force?
No one can ever know for
sure what a deserted area looks like.
A scary dream makes your
heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your
heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole
thing up? Don't these people communicate?
I never watch "Sesame
Street"; I know most of that stuff.
I read that somewhere out
west recently a National Wilderness Area was closed for two days because
it was too windy.
I like Florida; everything
is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.
Why does
"Filipino" start with an "F" and
"Philippines" starts with "ph"?
We are conditioned to
notice and emphasize the differences among ourselves, instead of the
similarities. The corporate-style partitioning begins early in life:
fetus, newborn, infant, toddler, preschool, lower school, middle school,
junior high, senior high, pre-teen, teen. Get in your box and stay
there!
I think tobacco and
alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point:
"People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of
lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same
asshole your father was."
In Rome, the emperor sat
in a special part of the Coliseum known as the Caesarian section.
Sometimes, when I'm told
to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's.
But I always put it back.
You know what kind of
cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement.
If you nail a tool shed
closed, how to you put the hammer away?
What goes through a bird's
mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display?
No one is ever completely
alone; when all is said and done, you always have yourself.
When I'm working, and the
television is on, I always tune in a program I like. If I'm going to
ignore something, I want to be something I enjoy.
I admire an intelligent
man with really unattractive, badly-stained and crooked teeth who makes
a lot of money and still doesn't get his teeth fixed. It's an
interesting choice.
Have you ever groped
blindly through the middle of a packed suitcase trying to find something
and then suddenly realized with horror that the razor blades had come
unwrapped?
My phone number is
seventeen. We got one of the early ones.
Did you ever notice how
important the last bite of a candy bar is? All the while you're eating
it, you're aware that you have less and less remaining. Then, as you get
to the end, if something happens to that last piece, you feel really
cheated.
Why are there no
recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
If a painting can be
forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
Valentine's Day is devoted
to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, viscereal
hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is
repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very
cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.
I'm very lucky. The only
time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me.
The Japanese culture is
very big on martial arts and spiritual disciplines. So when a guy tells
me he is studying something that has a Japanese name, I know he has
either embarked on a mystical journey or is learning how to break
someone's neck with two fingers.
Why does it always take
longer to go somewhere than it does to come back?
People tell you to have a
safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
If you can't beat them,
arrange to have them beaten.
A recent story in the
media said that some firemen in Chicago had refused to enter a burning
building because it was too hot.
At what point in his
journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?
We have mileage, yardage,
and footage, why don't we have inchage?
Travel tip:
Economy-section farts on an inbound flight from the Third World are the
deadliest a traveler will ever encounter.
Great scientific
discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle.
Why do they call it a
garbage disposal? The stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of it.
A cemetery is a place
where dead people live.
"Let's stop underage
drinking before it starts." Please explain this to me. It sounds
tricky.
Political discourse has
been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips,"
and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need
them?
Hard work is for people
short on talent.
The news story said
someone had overcome a fatal disease. Wow!
Recently, in a public
bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As I emerged, a man in a
wheelchair asked me indignantly, "Are you handicapped?"
Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, "Not
now. But I was before I went in there."
A Bible makes a delicious
meal. Simply rub with olive oil and minced garlic, and bake one hour in
a 375-degree oven. Serve with oven-roasted potatoes and a small tossed
salad. Dee-lish!
Threatening postcard:
"Wish you were here, but if you come here I will kill you!"
Recent polls reveal that
some people have never been polled. Until recently.
Did you ever run over
somebody with your car? And then you panic? So you back up and run over
them again? Did you notice the second crunch was not quite as loud?
I read about a woman who
had sixty-three distinct personalities. Jesus! It would take long enough
just finding out how everyone was feeling in the morning, can you
imagine trying to plan a vacation?
Have you noticed, whenever
there's a problem in this country they get a bunch of celebrities or
children together to sing a song about it? Drought, famine, drugs; they
sing a song about it. This is an idea that grew out of the 60's peace
movement. The idea then was that if enough "good" people sang,
chanted, and held hands, all the "evil" people would give up
their money, weapons, and power. Worked great, didn't it?
I put a dollar in one of
those change machines. Nothing changed.
After the year 2000, I
hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about
it.
One time, a few years ago,
Oprah had a show about women who fake orgasms. Not to be outdone,
Geraldo came right back with a show about men who fake bowel movements.
It is now possible for a
child to have five parents: sperm donor, egg donor, the surrogate mother
who carries the fetus, and two adoptive parents. It renders the
statement "He has his mother's eyes" rather meaningless.
The new, modern Swiss Army
Knife has an ear-piercing tool and a roach clip.
It's hard for me to
believe that the small amount of water I take from the water cooler can
produce such a large bubble.
Infant crib death is
caused by grandparents' breath.
I've always wanted to
place a personal ad no one would answer: "Elderly, depressed,
accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh music, seeking
rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late teens. Must be
nonsmoker."
On Thanksgiving, you
realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste
themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
Some people see things
that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that
never were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work
and don't have time for all that shit.
What year did Jesus think
it was?
I enjoy going to a party
at one of the Kennedys' homes, dropping to the floor, and yelling,
"Hit the deck, he's got a gun!"
Life is a near-death
experience.
Amy Vanderbilt, the
foremost authority on etiquette, committed suicide and apparently didn't
have the courtesy to leave a note.
When primitive people
practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice? And if it
doesn't, how do they know they did the dance correctly?
Medical Progress: The
medical profession is only now beginning to concede that maybe, just
maybe, nutrition has something to do with good health. And that maybe,
just maybe, the mind is somehow mysteriously linked to the body. Of
course, there's not much money in such thinking.
If you mail a letter to
your mailman, will he get it before he's supposed to?
I enjoy watching a woman
with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her
lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand
there and tell her joke after joke after joke.
President Bush declared a
National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was some time after he had
carefully arranged and started the war.
McDonald's "breakfast
for under a dollar" actually costs much more than that. You have to
factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.
If you fall asleep on the
couch in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a
coat covering you when you awaken.
When a masochist brings
someone home from the bar, does he say, "Excuse me a moment, I'm
going to slip into something uncomfortable"?
