Flag-O-Rama!

4th of July Specials!

Show those big fat rich white golf buddies of yours the true power of pride as you bat that little tiny ball around acres and acres beautiful land wasted on the elitist and boring sport known as golf.  This Uncle Sam headcover will leave them in awe, barely able to wipe the drool off their puffy, pale jowls.

Awwww, now this is cute:  a red-white-blue teddy bear with the good o'l USA stitched on it.  And look!  The USA has a halo!  That means we're, like, holy and stuff, right?  Kewl!  God is on our side, after all.  Those other countries don't stand a chance, 'cause Jesus is our personal good buddy.  Yeeee-hawww!

No child's bedroom is complete without a patriotic theme.  Everyone knows that not having a patriotic theme can lead to disastrous results:  terrorism, cannibalism, and (worst of all) non-Republican voting.  So get your little brat a bedroom setup like this, before it's too late!

Say, how many times have you yearned to leave your mark on those juicy, sizzlin' steaks you're grillin' up at today's 4th of July BBQ?  Well, now's your chance!  Make sure everyone knows your meat is 100% good ol' God-blessed number-one American with these handy branders!  Burn it with logos for USA, the Navy, or the Marines.  Works great on the kids, too!

Can you...bear it?

Dear God....it's hideous!  Not to mention that cute, cuddly bears should not be given firearms.  Would you send Winnie the Pooh off to war?  His honey-smeared paws would just make everything all sticky.  How about ol' Yogi Bear, think he'd be able to put down his picnic basket long enough to take out a few Terrrrists with his rifle?  I think not!!

Time to get ugly

Serve your country...literally!  There's just something so endearing about our flag being represented on a staggeringly ugly tray where food and drinks can be placed (and spilled).  U!  S!  A!

OK, just how fitting is this?  Patriotic bull, get it?  Huh?  Sigh...that's too easy.  But seriously, what the hell is this supposed to represent?  I suppose it could mean several things:  the herd mentality of most Americans, our ever-expending waistlines, our neverending production and consumption of 100% American Grade-A bullshit...it's quite a multifaceted image, really.  Maybe I'll buy one after all.

Patriotic package 4 U

If this isn't flag abuse, I don't know what is.  People make a big deal about how we should respect the flag and treat it a certain way, but what about wrapping it around some muscle-guy's junk?   Not that I have anything against a guy's junk, mind you, but if we're supposed to treat the flag with respect then why aren't people shrieking mad about this?   Or bikini babes dressed in flag thongs & tops?  The least they could do is pick an attractive man to model their goods rather than this lumpy, patchy-haired mongoloid.

Answer:  sexy flaggy titillation is perfectly OK because it makes money.   Making money is good and it's all that really matters.   But don't you let that flag touch the ground!   And don't let it get wet!   And you gotta fold it a certain way!   And you can't damage it!  Got all that?  'It's 'cause we respect the flag, durn it!

If clowns scare you...

...then this guy must be terrifying!  I mean, look at him.  He's creepy enough on his own, but with that wig on he's downright nightmarish.  "Tell me, Clarice...do you have a yellow ribbon on your car yet?  Why not, Clarice?  You don't hate America, do you Clarice?"

Cuttin' & hangin'

Use this bald eagle dagger to STAB-STAB-STAB people with freedom and liberty!  Nothing says "Proud to be an American" like an instrument of violence, hmmm?  Don't make me cut ya!

Arrghh, my eyes!  Someone must have thrown up during crafts class or something.  Wow.  Can you imagine this hideous thing hanging on your door?  (Wait...don't answer that.)

Light 'em up

Um, isn't this considered burning the flag?  Aren't people trying to pass laws against that sort of thing?  Isn't this horribly, horribly wrong?  Anyone?  Bueller?

A storm's a-brewin'

Here we have bunch of camels walking through the desert while a (faked) tornado looms on the horizon.  It's hard not to notice the cheesily Photoshopped eagle, which I suppose symbolizes U.S. forces on their way to pummel the region.  It's always fascinating to see people visualize their rage using Photoshop 101 skills...  Click this pic to see a larger version.

Twistin' in the wind

Which way is the wind blowing?  Well, considering all the hot air coming from D.C...

Let freedom ring...like cheap, ugly windchimes made in China!

Welcome, flaggy friends!

Why re-do the site, you may ask?  Well, even though the original site hasn't been updated for, like, you know, ever, it's still getting lots of traffic...so I thought would be fun to update it.  There are still tons of tacky, grotesque patriotic items out there worth sharing!  As you can see, it's been converted to a blog-ish format, which is easier to update than a traditional website.   I know it's not as pretty as the old site, but I switched my homepage over to a blog last year (after 9 years of doing it in HTML) and have had good luck with it, so I think this'll work out pretty well.

Anyway, all the stuff from the old site is here, and there's already some new stuff queued up for future postings.  It may not be updated every single day, but feel free to check back now & then to see what's new.  Also, please feel free to send me URLs or photos of hideous patriotic items!  You can email them to me at shoogle2 @ gmail . com.  The stupider and more unnecessary the item, the better.   Bonus points for religious tie-ins!