T.V. Sucks

2/29/97

Saturn commercial: A guy is making himself look nice before driving around in his Saturn. He's explaining that a nice car is a great way to meet girls. Some girls are then "interviewed", and they say things like "I think his car impresses him" and "A lot of guys make that mistake." One of them actually says "I think he's kinda dumb for trying to pick up girls with his car." Yeah, and I'll bet you'd be the first one to hop in, missy.

Mcdonald's commercial: A woman is sitting at a table, screaming "Ketchup!" over and over and over. Finally, her husband (wearing an apron, I think), appears and brings her the ketchup like a slave. Then you see that he had to run all the way across the mansion that she won in McDonald's lottery game to bring her the damn ketchup.

2/19/97

Car commercial: A woman is driving her Jeep (or whatever) around speedily, and the voiceover is her boyfriend's voice on her answering machine. He's asking where she is, sounding worried. Eventually he says, "OK, whatever it is, it's my fault." Finally he says, "Is it because I still live with my mother?" She smirks into the camera.

Pentium commercial: Jason Alexander (George Costanza on "Seinfeld") is videoconferencing with some lady, trying to look nice. When they connect and he says hi, she says, "Oh, you must be bald! I mean...Bob!" Then he falls over backwards in his chair like an idiot! The bald thing was bad enough, but why the added insult of falling on his ass?

Volvo commercial: a man locks his family outside the car in the rain...their picnic is just ruined because of him, obviously. Suddenly the all-too-intelligent little girl hands him the keys with a "Why, you dumb Daddy, here they are!" look on her face. Wasn't it her fault, then? I guess not.

3/30/97	During the first few minutes of "The Ten Commandments", when the voiceover is explaining how God created light and Earth and the heavens, and while there are serene shots of clouds with shafts of light streaking down beautifully...suddenly a scroller appears at the bottom of the screen which says, "To speak with a counselor about your kids and the risks of drugs, please call 242-1515." Great timing, guys! A lovely Easter message indeed... Tonight's "The X-Files" is about a teenage faith-healer who ends up killing people with his powers. Another lovely Easter message from the folks at Fox.

3/29/97	"Gala for the President" is on, oh joy. Every time they crack a joke, the camera zoooooms in on Clinton's face and he's got that goofy bubba-look. He opens his mouth in a wide smile of delight, his bottom lip totally covers his bottom row of teeth, and he just freezes like that for several seconds. I'll bet that took a lot of practice! "The Ten Commandments" is being promoted as an "Easter event." Gee, I hope I can get tickets to that... More figure skating. God help us.

3/27/97	The World Figure Skating Championships are still on! We're going on six months here! Midas Muffler commercial: a guy in a tuxedo explodes into a cathedral, rushes up the aisle, and tries to explain why he's late to his own wedding like the stupid male he is. Apparently he didn't go to Midas, which ruined his life forever. All the people are scorning him with looks of absolute disgust. When the preacher asks the bride, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully-wedded husband?" the bride is thinking it over real good.

3/25/97	The most annoying commercial in the world: Lucent Technologies. You know the one... you see a computer screen, and words are appearing on it as if someone's typing. You hear the typing sounds, klicka-klicka-klick. To make it worse, some mumbling idiot is reading it in monotone as every words is typed. "This...[klicka-klicka] is...a...[klicka-klicka] demonstration...with...[klicka-klicka] all...the...Lucent...[klicka-klicka] Technologies..." Somebody shoot me!!

3/23/97	The Oscars are on tonight. Empty-headed stars galore. Barbara Streisand, a total loser for any awards this year (and many years past), whined that we shouldn't even be giving out awards for movies. Just because her latest movie, "The Mirror Has Two Noses," was a major bomb. Coke commercial: A Coke deliveryman, all hot and sweaty, drops his bundle in the office and stops to have a drink. Several women nearby are looking at him with total lust...he finishes his drink, sets the can down, and one of these horny women slides a finger up the can sensuously, then licks the moisture off the tip of her finger. Sexist? Yeah, right. But if a man were to make eyes at a woman like that, she'd have him in court so fast his tiny-brained head would be spinning like a top.

3/22/97	Yet another Burger King commercial which blatantly targets baby boomers. They're all the same...they show this hamburger, which is 10 times bigger than what you'd get in real life, and the music's lyrics somehow relate to the product. Usually it's a tune from the 50's or 60's, and the songs are carefully selected to relate to this stupid hamburger. The sheep will buy the product, though, never doubt it. The International Ice Skating Championship continues tonight... somebody shoot me.

3/21/97	Tonight on "Millennium", a man was working in his woodshop. Shortly after, he killed his entire family. And the first commercial we see features a woman putting some wood stain on a table. Talk about great timing! Arizona Attorney General Grant Woods said on the news that it's time for the tobacco companies to end this conspiracy against the consumer. Hmmm...conspiracy? Gee, I thought conspiracies were only for militias and UFO buffs and other "wackos." Plenty of people are going to agree with him, however... Amazing! Some medical news about men for a change. 90% of the medical news we hear is about breast cancer, right? Well, on the news tonight they talked about a new treatment for baldness that also happens to treat prostate cancer. There's only one problem with this, though: how are they going to do all "dumb male" commercials if there are no bald men left??) Saw a silly little news item on Channel 15 about how the toilet was picked as the most important invention ever. The news-reader said, "Fire and electricity weren't even in the top 100." Well, duh. Fire and electricity aren't inventions, they've always been there for us to discover. Newton didn't "invent" gravity, did he?

3/20/97	Oral-B commercial: a guy is brushing his teeth vigorously...with his lips closed. Why does that bug me? It just looks bizarre... Ever since this Democratic fundraising scandal has broken, "Nightline" has refused to do any kind of really probing show on it. They once covered a couple of fringe elements, but nothing really hard-hitting until recently when they did a story about John Huang. No bias there, oh no. And yet the same day the Liggett tobacco company admitted that cigarettes are addictive, "Nightline" already had a story ready to go. It sure shows where their priorities are. I came across yet another ice skating show. What the hell is the deal with ice skating these days? Every other night some network is showing some kind of ice skating competition where men in tights twirl around and shake their pert little butts on the ice to rock music. Are people actually writing to the networks and demanding this stuff? Sure it takes talent...but I guess I wasn't paying attention when ice skating to rock music became the latest national obsession... Old El Paso One-Skillet Mexican Meal commercial: a fat, balding guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts is dancing around and waving his skillet in the air like an idiot. Obviously he has been liberated by Old El Paso, who made it easy for him to cook for himself with their new product. We all know, of course, that men must have things simplified for them and cooking is no exception.

3/19/97	That little girl on "Party of Five" never ceases to annoy me. Has she ever smiled on this show? Ever? She's always brooding, sulking, bitching, wallowing in pre-pre-teen angst and never ever seems happy about anything. Her acting is so overly adult for someone of her age...it just doesn't come across as authentic. She comes across as a little girl who is given mega-melodramatic adult scripts, and yet she has to pull it off looking like a little girl. Lighten up! Buy yourself a Barbie or something, geez! On "Home Improvement", Tim tries to sabotage his wife's best bowling game like a stupid jerk for his own selfish male reasons. But she ends up winning in the end anyway, of course.

3/18/97	Saw a story on the news about a guy who walked into a church, waved a gun around, and tried to steal their collection funds. Someone else happened to be carrying a gun, and they shot him in the stomach. The pastor/priest/whatever later said that the robber could have killed anyone and everyone in that church if it weren't for the hero. Gee, control is such a blessing! Waffle commercial: a guy is standing on his porch eating waffles. His nosy female neighbor wants to know what he's eating. "Something nutritious," he says. "Nutritious? You?!" She's just amazed. She ends up snatching the waffles away from him and eating them herself. Nope, we men can't do nuthin' for ourselves... Circuit City commercial: a big huge fat slob of a man is sitting in the dark in front of his T.V., which is playing some kind of western movie. He's asleep, and his fat is practically spilling out of the chair. We're informed that this is "before." In the next scene, his T.V. is a gigantic big-screen model...but the slob is still sleeping in front of it, with his fat oozing over the edge of the chair. What a totally flattering opinion of husbands these guys have...

3/17/97	A news story about St. Patrick's Day states that "green bagels are a way of spanning generations and cultures." Bullshit. Disney just put out a new commercial screaming that "it's your last chance!" to buy "Bambi" on video. Never, EVER will you have another chance to own this TIMELESS CLASSIC!! It ends with a picture of Bambi shrinking slowly into a dot with the words LAST CHANCE at the bottom of the screen. And the mindless herds of American shoppers will stampede to their nearest Wal-Mart for a copy. Saw a commercial for another TV movie about a crazy male threatening a helpless female. Talk about creative writing. It's called "Lies He Told." Well, what else do you expect from a male on T.V.? Another IHOP commercial with Cliff, the bumbling idiot who asks intensely probing questions like, "So does all that ice skating make you guys hungry?" He used to be just an annoying dork, but lately he's trying to be Barbara Walters. He also skates much worse than the children, and they struggle to hold him up on the ice. One of the women on "Designing Women" made this remark: "Most of you men are either wimps or jackasses!" Now, that's classy writing.

3/15/97	"Dateline NBC" just wasted our time with a segment about a very young child who can dribble a basketball. They made him out to be some kind of NBA superstar, even "dunking" a few with some famous player. This is considered to be relevant, folks. Sunny Delight commercial: A bunch of teens are cleaning up a vacant lot. A girl throws a sack of garbage into the face of a guy, yelling "Heads up!" or something similar. Three guys struggle to pull over a sapling, and when it finally crashes over, they all fall backwards on their asses. A girl comes up and says reproachfully, "Oh, THAT was graceful!" Finally Mom pulls up with drinks, and when they get their "Sunny D", the Mom says to one of the guys, "Wow, this place looks great! Much better than your room." And they all laugh heartily.

3/13/97	Weed Be Gone commercial: A lazy, balding man lays in his hammock while his garden goes to hell and weeds take over. In a fit of macho-manliness, he picks up some chemicals and sprays 'em to death. That'll show 'em.

3/12/97	Honda commercial: The voiceover says, "When shopping for a car, there are those who know what they want [camera cuts to a bored-looking woman], and those who don't [camera shows her balding, hyperactive husband]." The man frantically looks around at all kinds of cars, indecisively checking out every detail while his bored wife stands outside the dealership, looking bored, reading the paper, looking at her watch. Finally she's had enough of this nonsense. She leads him to a Honda dealer and over to the perfect car on the first try. Amazing...these women know absolutely everything.

3/10/97	Car commercial: A woman roaming around in her car, speeding down the highway. The female voiceover says, "Driving this car is so much fun. Who knows...maybe you'll find the perfect man!" She pulls up alongside a gasoline tanker, and a big fat balding jerk leers out the window at her, honking his obnoxious horn. She grimaces with disgust, and ZOOOOMS off into the distance. The voiceover says, "Well, maybe not."

4/30/97	Oh goody, a commercial for "Fem-Stat." For when my yeast infection gets to be too much. Channel 15 tells us: "A Channel 15 investigative report could lead to some changes that could save some lives in the future!" I'm sorry, but "could" just doesn't cut it. Let's not get carried away with ourselves, now...

4/29/97	Just saw a commercial for something called "Vagistat." Gee, I wonder what kind of product that is. Thank goodness they don't show it in use... FOX finally shows "The Mask", and during one of the big special-effects scenes, they actually reduce the movie to a little square in the corner of the screen in order to display sports scores!

4/28/97	Channel 3 wins the award for Dumbest Slogan on Television. What's their catchy, cutesy, totally happenin' slogan? "3 T.V.: the place with more stuff." Talk about dumbing down the audience. Talk about appealing to the lowest common denominator of us all. They even have a cute, catchy song to accompany it. I think I'm gonna throw up... Tonight the country is treated to a disgustingly sugar-coated hunk of fluff called "I Am Your Child." Yeah, gag me already. It had a segment with ultra-man-hater Rosie O'Donnell. It was a mock Jeopardy! game, and of course she smugly got every answer right, complete with lengthy scientific and technical terms, while her two male competitors were feeble-minded dorks. She even called them "morons." Cow. The torture continues with a commercial featuring tone-deaf little kids screeching the Band-Aid song. Calling Dr. Kervorkian... Following a new tradition of made-for-T.V. movies coming out the same week as major movies, we're seeing commercials for "Tidal Wave." The commercial says, "The coast is soaked." This is, of course, a totally lame rip-off of "Volcano"'s "The coast is toast." Channel 15 once again sends a reporter out to report to us LIVE-LIVE-LIVE from the scene of a big fire that happened several hours earlier. Oh, the realism! This was a really bad night for television.

4/27/97	FOX is going way overboard with its mindless commercials for "The Mask." No-talent people saying no-talent things with crappy special effects that don't even come close to those in the movie. This is Sweeps Week, remember... God help us all. Three Burger King commercials in a row...no matter what channel I land on, they're showing this big burger with some cheesy nostalgic 60's song. Oh yeah, and plenty of close-ups of people taking big bites. This ad campaign by Burger King is one of the most merciless, relentless, stubborn campaigns I've ever seen. They seem to have no intention of ever ending it...it's going to be burgers and 60's music for years to come, no matter which network you're watching. I'm not kidding. That kid from "The Shining" is on again, his mouth never ever ever closes. He visibly struggles to close his mouth, but it always springs open again. His face is all lips and teeth and... it's no wonder this is the "scariest show on T.V." On the news, they're talking about how an aftershock "rocked" Northridge, CA today. Now, why do things always get "rocked" these days? Earthquakes always "rock" California. The other day, a sonic boom "rocked" the Phoenix area, according to the news. Rocked!? Sigh...

4/26/97	Channel 15, well-known for doing live shots where absolutely nothing is happening, actually has an excuse for being LIVE-LIVE-LIVE! Imagine that! No dark streets, no hard-to-see billboards in the background, no closed down shops, no footage of houses that burned down a week ago...we're talking actual action here. (Unfortunately, I don't remember exactly what it was...something about a bunch of people at a rodeo getting sick or something.) Just saw a commercial for "Citra", some new high-sugar 7-Up clone. A bunch of teenagers steal a neighbor's garden gnome and take pictures of him doing stupid things like riding a skateboard, cruising around town, playing in the park, etc. I can think of a couple of mannequin heads who have had much wackier adventures than this dumb little gnome...

4/22/97	Another commercial for "The Shining" featuring the little kid with the horrible bowl haircut. And in every scene, his eyes are open wide with terror, and his mouth is open, showing his mega-huge buck teeth and his ultra-gigantic-absurdly big lips. In every scene of the commercials. His mouth is always open in a big-lipped triangle of horror, and those teeth are practically begging for lettuce and carrots. Yet another commercial for the Hair Club for Men, screaming about COSMETIC...TRANSDERMAL...RECONSTRUCTION. Over and over and over! It's HAIR REPLACEMENT, idiot, and it looks FAKE! Gawd... Also saw a horrible commercial for Worther's Chocolates (the "crunchy luxury"), quite possibly the most intelligence-insulting thing on T.V. since Mentos.

4/20/97	As an experiment I decided to try counting the number of automobile commercials during the news tonight. I've always noticed an absurd number of them during prime-time and the news, but I havn't tried actually counting them before. I got distracted towards the end of the program and my attention wasn't all there, but I did manage to count four...I just know there were more, I need to do this again! Three times during tonight's news, they crowed about a hot new story about Timothy Leary's and Gene Roddenberry's ashes being shot into space. Three times they mentioned this story, hyping it to death, and they finally got around to the damn thing at the very end of the program. The story story was exactly 20 seconds long. Gee, I'm glad I stayed up! I knew it was only a teaser, and yet I wanted to see how long they would drag it out. It's amazing.

4/17/97	"Nightline" is interviewing a guy whose glasses magnify his eyes about 10 times, and he never ever blinks! His on-screen time was several minutes total, an he never blinked once in any shot. He looked like an animated wax doll. And those eyes...they were huge. Wide open. I just get creeped out by people like that...

4/16/97	Channel 15's reporter is LIVE-LIVE-LIVE...in front of a poorly-lit cigarette billboard which can't even be read properly. Apparently this shot was crucial to the national story about lawsuits against tobacco companies. The other night, another reporter was LIVE-LIVE-LIVE in front of a dark bit of freeway construction. I tell you, these guys absolutely go out of their way to bring us the most essential live shots!! Emmys, anyone?

4/14/97	NBC is actually advertising movies five weeks in advance! That's right, five weeks. Mark your calendars now, because in two months we'll be able to watch "The Mask" for the 53rd time! To quote a line from that movie: Ssssssomebody shoot me! Why would I wait five weeks to see a movie when I can rent it for $.99 at a shop down the street?

4/13/97	One of channel 15's anchors (Lori Nixon, I think) asks us this deeply probing question: "How would you feel if one of your children was kidnapped right out of your own home?" Gee, let me think about that for a few minutes. I'll get back to you on it. During a news story about a big fire in Michigan, the reporter told us that "the flames shot up to 200 feet in the air!" I've noticed something about fire reports...the flames never just leap or reach high into the air, these days they shoot. Those writers really know how to make a story that has nothing to do with Arizona seem exciting...

4/11/97	"Suddenly Susan" is Emmy material compared to "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch." I made the mistake of watching some of this show while eating dinner...it won't happen again. "20/20" did a story about offshore banking, and how the IRS is the savior of all mankind by cracking down on these guys. Just in time for tax-time, too. They made the IRS look so good that I'm actually looking forward to forking over as much money as possible! The anchorette on channel 10's "Arizona Prime" sounds like a deranged chicken as she laughs loudly and annoyingly through every news story which contains even a hint of humor. The anchor keeps on cracking jokes as they chit-chat after the story, as if we actually want to see these two airheads exchange verbal foreplay. This show is 95% worthless fluff and 3% halfway-interesting stories. The remaining 2% is beyond the limits of human endurance.

4/10/97	Caught a few minutes of "Suddenly Susan", and they were the worst minutes of my life. I have never seen such worthless writing or characters. Well, except for "Third Rock From the Sun", that one makes me physically ill... When the hell did "The Mighty Ducks" become a Saturday morning cartoon? And when will the blessed comet destroy our planet?? I watched "Gargoyles" for the first time today, and it was decent...but I did catch a bit of dialogue that made my mouth drop open. A woman was telling some guy: "I know where your partner hid your family jewels!" Then guy says, "Mala! Don't play with me!" Disney at its best!

4/4/97	Saw a commercial for "cosmetic transdermal reconstruction." Silly me, I thought it was just called "hair replacement." An ad for Primetime Live tells us: "The only safe place in your house may be in front of your T.V." Oh, really?

5/31/97	I'm up unusually early this Saturday morning, so I thought I would turn on the tube and see what garbage they're force-feeding kids lately. I came across an embarrassingly ludicrous "Casper the Ghost" cartoon, which would insult the intelligence of the average newbord...also saw a few minues of a show called "POV" about a kid who installs bugs and cameras all over his house so he can spy on his family and crack jokes about them. Am I the only one who finds that unnerving? Jack Hanna's wildlife show is discussing a new zoo that mimics the Arctic. While trying to make this all sound interesting, he manages to say the word "Artic" about a dozen times. Not "Arctic", but "Artic." Jack is also probably one of those guys who says "nucular" instead of "nuclear" and makes references to the "uman race."

5/30/97	The year 2000 needs to just get here and put an end to all these crap product names like the Mazda "Millennia." Mark my words: in the next couple of years, there will be a lot of shows, commercials, and products based on or named after the millennium. And as usual, the American sheep will gladly fork over their money for it. "20/20" must be desperate for ratings. Following a sad story about a guy who shunned civilization to live in the wild and ended up dying a lonely and painful death by starvation in the Alaskan wilderness, "20/20" decided to get our attention by running a story about breasts. The teaser: "Breasts: Are they really the measure of a woman?" The story is chock-full of zooms, closeups, and stills of big, juicy breasts...the "studies" were merely an excuse to use this to get the male audience's attention. (I guess it worked...) Oh, and Barbara Walters actually said the word "irrevocable" in her own Elmer Fudd kind of way.

5/26/97	My, what a selection of family-oriented TV movies we have to choose from tonight. It's definitely a toss-up between "Murderer at My Door", "Shadows of a Killer", and "Abducted: A Father's Love." There's nothing like watching something positive to really lift the spirits, hmmm? Channel 12 just flashed a 5-second bit saying this: "Channel 12 honors those who gave their lives our our country." Then they switched to a sitcom. What a heart-wrenching, tear-jerking Memorial Day tribute! Those who gave their lives would be proud...

5/21/97	"The Lost World" doesn't open for another three days, and they're already hawking "The Lost World" watches from Burger King. And the sheep will buy them, have no fear.

5/19/97	Channel 10's lame 9:00 news show is discussing the heavy-hitting, wrenchingly emotional and controversial topic of "Melrose Place" and its many plot twists. They even interviewed the cast. More totally informative and relevant reporting there! It's good to see these people producing such hard-hitting information for the masses.

5/15/97	Channel 3's idiotic slogan, "The Place With More Stuff", has now reached the Internet. Their commercial actually says to "point your browser to the web to get all the 3-TV information stuff you want." Information stuff? What the hell is that? Dumbing down, dumbing down...

5/13/97	Channel 10's lame 9:00 news show actually introduces their weatherman as "Weather Authority Dave Munsey." Yes, I'm sure he just knows everything about the weather. In reality, he wouldn't know squat if it weren't for all that expensive computer equipment he uses to tell him what's happening out there. Just saw a Mega Foods commercial that must have been a family project. Every person in this commercial is HUGE. The announcer, the mom, even the teenager is grossly overweight. Mmmm, I wanna shop there... If I hear the phrase "Honey Barbecue Tender-Roast" one more time, I'm going to go into convulsions. This shows the truely evil genius of marketers...who among us can hear the phrase "Honey Barbecue Tender-Roast" and not think of a wholesome, home-cooked chicken dinner? Am I the only one?

5/12/97	I'm watching a news story about "territorial parking", which is what you're doing when you take your sweet time pulling out of a parking space when someone is waiting behind you. I do this all the time, especially if the other car follows me out to my car. I had no idea there was an official name for it!

5/11/97	Just saw a commercial where a tough highway patrolman intimidates a scared teenager into admitting that he should be carpooling. He was driving on a barren desert road, even! Now, if the message of this evil commercial is that I had better carpool or face harassment by the police, they can kiss my ass. This commercial just plain smacks of propaganda! Subtle, but it's there.

5/8/97	A news story mentions how a local man "sexually assaulted" a woman at a bar. The "sexual assault" was actually a pat on the butt. How soon until a sexy glance becomes rape? This new movie "The Don" is also being promoted as a "television movie event". Will it ever end? When is enough hype enough?? Caught a glimpse of "Family Matters", and I almost didn't recover. It was a very close call. Steve Urkel is the Antichrist. Tonight on "Jeopardy!", they have three people from different countries... Austria, Canada, and Israel, I think. The strange thing is: when Alex reads the question, instead of pressing their buttons, all three guys stab their buttons a dozen times at light speed! I've never seen American contestants do this before. But sure enough, after each answer by Alex, click-click-click-click-click!!! Channel 10, uncreative as ever, shamelessly uses music from "The X-Files" and "Millennium" to promote their lame 9:00 news show. They call it "The 10 Files." My God, these people really need to come up with something original. Caught a few minutes of "Baywatch", possibly the most mindless show in T.V. This one really sent me into orbit! They directly ripped off the movie "Darkman" for this stupid episode. A mysterious man wearing a long flappy black coat and a black hat is mysteriously saving drowning victims. His face and hands are bandaged, too. And, get this: he was blown up in a big explosion, which fried his skin. Just like "Darkman". The music even sounded like Danny Elfman's!! I swear, this is a sign of the Apocalypse. Flipping over to TBN for a moment (that's usually all I can stomach), I saw that Bob Larson's "nationally-syndicated Christian broadcast" was coming on. He actually tried to tell us that he performed an exorcism on the air, over the phone, with a possessed lady who had called in. He even had a reinactment with an extremely goofy actress. Gee, and I thought one had to get permission from the Pope to do an exorcism. At least, that's what Father Malachai Martin says, and he's been doing exorcisms for about 50 years. Plus, isn't an exorcism a Catholic thing? This "nationally-syndicated Christian broadcaster" mentioned nothing about this. I've seen his show before, and he does not come across as Catholic. Then again, if I could stomach more than 5 minutes of it...

5/7/97	Tonight on "Ellen", she reveals the big secret to her parents. Of course, her father took it very badly, and all through the show he was angry and didn't want to speak to her. Then at the end of the show, in an amazingly quick change of heart, he actually utters the words "She's here, she's queer, so get used to it!" I was disappointed by this...so far, they had avoided using those in-your-face, accept-it-or-else catchphrases. Well, it was good while it lasted. Channel 10 actually promoted their lame 9:00 news show with this phrase: "And, how to get your kids to behave! All tonight at 9!" Well, thank God somebody knows how to raise our kids. Channel 10 always seems to have the right answer, since all those parents out there don't know what the hell they're doing. Just saw the new tobacco-is-evil commercial. Now, these were mildly funny at first, if a little annoying (the snotty teens at the end sneering in my face was pretty insulting). But this one goes way too far. Its highlights are: rotting, decaying flesh, a lip that gets ripped from the face, a zombie woman relaxing in a tub of black sewage, and a mouthful of maggots. Um, I thought we were talking about lung cancer here. The anti-tobacco Nazis know no limits. Another commercial for "2000 Leagues Under the Sea", and we are once again reminded that this is a "television event". Everything's an "event" on T.V., isn't it? Well, where can I buy tickets??

5/6/97	"Home Improvement" features several thousand slams against men tonight, as usual. Tim is an ignorant male pig, and he's raising his sons to be just like him. Jill is the only person in the family with any brains. Of course, being "Home Improvement", we have a typical cookie-cutter episode where Tim does something stupid, pisses Jill off, then runs over to let Wilson educate him over the top of the fence. Of course, he is a man, but I'm sure he's still an idiot deep down inside. Tonight is one of those "3-D" nights, where characters in the shows on Channel 15 all throw objects at the camera, with little effect. Gee. Pizza Hut commercial: the guy actually says, "Show me the cheese!" Am I the only one in the country who hasn't seen that stupid Tom Cruise movie? Is this the new catch-phrase? Please say no. Channel 10 showed "Mrs. Doubtfire" tonight, and part of their 10:00 newscast featured a story on how they did all that makeup. Damn, I'm glad they chose to use up airtime on that instead of that messy Oklahoma City bombing trial. It's good to know that they have their priorities straight...

5/5/97	Oooohhh, Cokie Roberts on "Nightline" is absolutely steaming. You can see it in her eyes...she's pissed because a major tobacco company won a lawsuit. Cokie is about ready to explode, it could get messy.

5/4/97	Just saw a commercial for the "Mad About You" baby episide, they're actually calling it the "most memorable episode in history!" Are they kidding? Paul Reiser makes me sick! He's a typical whiny T.V. male, whipped into submission by his ultrasuperior wife. Even his standup comedy sucks eggs. I've been watching Robin Cook's "Invasion" movie. The acting sucks, especially Luke Perry. (Or is it Jason Priestly? Does it really matter?) Very bad, very shallow acting. "It has begun!" Are they kidding? He just doesn't come across as evil. The special effects are good, though. Channel 3, sticking to its policy of wasting valuable airtime with totally meaningless drivel, is showing us all the places in Phoenix where "Invasion" was filmed, including a local bathtub where one of the characters vomited up a gallon of bile. I recognized none of these places.

5/3/97	Rosie O'Donnell is hosting Saturday Night Live tonight. I will try to keep my dinner down for as long as possible, but the first time she man-bashes, I'm liable to send it spewing forth at a dangerous velocity... Oh God, now she's singing!! Kill me now, before it's too late! AAarrgh, it's too late, here comes Penny Marshall and Whitney Houston to join her!! Where's the tower, where's the gun...

5/2/97	Just saw a late-night commercial for a bunch of sharks who call themselves Phillips & Associates. The scene opens up with of the bloodsuckers standing in front of the proverbial big bookcase of law books, with his hand on one of the books. He actually sits there for a second, then pushes the book neatly back into its slot and turns towards the camera. Oh, sure...we just interrupted this law scholar as he was studying one of the many hundreds of books in his vast arsenal of wisdom... (And just imagine, I got all this out of 2 seconds of footage.)

5/1/97	A Nike commercial joins the ranks of advertisers who are using gospel choirs to sell their products. In this commercial, a bunch of women play basketball while a small group of people sing "Amazing Grace." It's just another case of some big company trying to equate sports with a religious experience...and I know a lot of people actually worship sports that way, which is the really scary part. Thanks, Nike, for coaxing people into worshipping shoes and basketball stars as religious figures. Wow, just a short time later I saw a commercial for La Quinta Inns, featuring a gospel choir singing the praises of these hotels. Mindless, hopeless, and shameless. Saw a Saturn commercial...these damn things are so tacky. They're trying to tell us that Saturn is a company of all the people of Earth...all countries, all religions, all races, one car. Talk about the New World Order of the auto industry! They are the saviors of the world in these commercials, and if you see one you'll know what I mean. Channel 10, the news station with the most overblown computer graphics in the entire state, is doing a story about Ed Palenkas, the old man who killed a 12-year-old boy with his car. And as expected, they never fail to mention that he was driving a Rolls Royce, as if that matters. Every news station does this, and every newspaper reporter does it as well. It doesn't matter what kind of car it was, it's just their way of making him the "dirty, filthy-rich old man." A Rolls, a BMW, a Pinto Blowabout...who cares? He went to jail and served a few years, now he's out on bail and all the news reporter vultures are sniffing for blood. Channel 10 even went so far as to say, "He's out on $25,000 bail, but that's not much for a self-made millionaire." Thanks for the commentary that we didn't ask for, you so-called "fact reporters"... Channel 10 mentioned this Rolls thing twice in two different stories, both of which were introduced by a live reporter sporting a $200 haircut and a 10-cent brain. (Troy Hayden, for you Phoenix readers.) Why don't they add a special note a the end of the newscast, to make sure we've got it straight: "And just a reminder to our viewers...Mr. Palenkas was driving a Rolls Royce." Six hours is way too long for this "Shining" movie. The "actor" playing Jack Torrence is horrible...he usually stars on a comedy show, and his dramatic acting just plain sucks. He ain't scary. Now, Jack Nicholson was scary. This was another whopper of a night for bad television!

6/28/97	Just saw a "Visine" commercial in which a woman tells her husband that he irritates her the way her itchy red eyes do. How...caring.

6/27/97	In a "Pepcid AC" commercial, we see an over-the-hill guy at a bowling alley tearing into a slice of pepperoni pizza. The female voiceover says, "That's Tony. We call him the Pizza Man 'cause he loves pepperoni pizza." Well, damn...I love pepperoni pizza too! Do you mean that everyone on the planet who loves pepperoni pizza deserves the pathetically uncreative nickname of "Pizza Man"? Come on, people. If you're going to insult the intelligence of the viewing audience, at least come up with a better name than "Pizza Man" for cryin' out loud.

6/25/97	A Magnavox commercial for DVD (digital video disc) shows a child in front of a television, virtually pressed up against the screen...his eyes are wide and glazed over, his mouth hangs open, and the glow of the T.V. pulsates evilly on his pale face. And this is what Magnavox calls "enhancing the television experience." Screw that...if DVD is going to turn me into a mush-brained slug with spittle dribbling down my chin, I think I'll pass, thank you.

6/24/97	"Dateline" is doing a story about companies who send people checks in the mail and make them call a number to find out how to claim their prize. These calls usually cost $3.99 per minute or more. Now, I think it's safe to say that anyone who pays that much a minute for anything deserves to be ripped off. "Dateline" also spent a lot of time discussing JFK memorabilia that some fanatic has collected over the years. JFK's watch. JFK's table. JFK's money clip. JFK's chair. JFK's this. JFK's that. JFK's other. I'm not sure, but maybe I was absent the day we elected JFK to Godhood.

6/23/97	Channel 10's lame news show is running this story: "Who is the coolest Batman?" They're also doing a story on micro-breweries. Once again, Channel 10 brings the public all the most vital and essential issues that affect our lives every day. Thank God for Channel 10's hard-working reporters, who never fail to bring us the hard facts about who the coolest Batman really is and which local micro-breweries make the best beer.

6/22/97	The new weather chick on a local T.V. station (Kim Dillon at Channel 15) is from Texas. Therefore, she always manages to make special mention of Texas during every weather report. Even if absolutely nothing is going on in Texas at the time, she still finds a way to mention it somehow. Tonight she mentioned it three times, including several cities in Texas. She also positioned the weather map so that Texas was centered perfectly on the screen for all to see, while Arizona was off to the side, barely visible. Apparently she just can't get her mind off her former state of residence. I may be exaggerating a bit, but maybe it's time for them to ship her ass back to Texas.

6/21/97	"Saturday Night Live"'s musical guests are the Spice Girls. All I can say is that they have managed to create the first Talent Black Hole. Rosie has come very close to achieving this feat, but the Spice Girls really made a breakthrough.

6/19/97	Governor Symington, who has been indicted on 22 charges of financial skullduggery and is currently on trial, pulled a totally immature and idiotic stunt today. He called up the media for a big press conference, then claimed that the DPS had caught the "hoaxers" responsible for the weird lights that have been seen over Phoenix recently. He promised a full investigation into it all etc. Then he brought out someone in an alien suit. He thought it was hilarious, but it shows how childish this man is. Just for that, I hope he gets kicked out of office and into jail for these fraud charges. I also hope he ends up being the love-toy of a big hairy man named Bubba.

6/18/97	Guess what? L'oreal is now selling shampoo for kids. The commercials show superficial little girls washing and combing and worshipping their beautiful, silky, absolutely perfect hair. Wonderful. These companies are pressuring kids to grow up NOW. Even as a child, looks are everything and you'd better be gussied up like a supermodel tart-tot if you want your classmates to even speak to you. Whatever happened to Johnson & Johnson? A commercial for "Mastercard" features a woman writing a check while people in line behind her snicker and shuffle their feet restlessly. The solution? Use Mastercard's new debit card instead of a check. Personally, I don't care how impatient people get when I write checks. If they can't wait a few extra seconds, maybe they should get there right at opening time so they can be the very first customer in and out. Screw 'em. Channel 15 is running a story on a gigantic explosion that ROCKED (their word, typical) a Phoenix neighborhood today. And guess what? They've got a reporter LIVE-LIVE-LIVE at the scene, only it's over 6 hours later and absolutely nothing is going on. Typically KNXV, of course. The poor guy was standing there under a street light, and nothing could be seen of the explosion area. Nothing. Ridiculous.

6/15/97	Channel 10's lame news show tells us that tonight, they're going to "take us on a trip inside a Native American ceremony." I may be missing something here, but exactly how do you take a trip inside a ceremony? Is there a lot of driving involved? Should I pack some extra clothes? Will there be food there, or should I pack a lunch? "From the creators of 'Hill Street Blues', 'L.A. Law' and 'NYPD Blue' comes 'Brooklyn South!'" Oh joy, yet another cop show. I'm sure this one will be distinctly different from the hundreds of other cop shows on T.V., too. Totally different. Cops chasing down criminals and shuffling paperwork while they deal with their own personal shortcomings and stuff. Yeah, exciting stuff.

6/13/97	Channel 45 is still showing "Full House." When this show aired its very last episode several years ago, I cried tears of joy...millions of people across America did. But here it is in reruns, those two little girls getting into all kinds of predicaments and giggling to each other and the audience spewing out an "aawwwwwww" every five minutes... It's sheer hell, and Channel 45 should be ashamed for inflicting this kind of pain and suffering on the public once again. Saw a Snickers commercial featuring a guy swimming in the ocean. His swimming trunks get pulled off by the waves, and they wash up on shore where a dog comes by and drags them away. He's desperately trying to get someone to help him...two old ladies with binoculars scope him out lustily. Up to his point, the product is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly the words "GOTTA HAVE NUTS" pop onto the screen. Need I say more?

6/12/97	Richard Lewis is on "Politically Incorrect" tonight. What an irritating, psychotic jerk. His comedy sucks, his acting sucks, his very demeanor sucks. I immediately switched the T.V. off at this point, because once you've seen this guy on any show, you've seen it all. He needs to be locked in a padded cell with his psychiatrist so he can be psychoanalyzed for the rest of his pathetic little life.

6/11/97	These commercials for "Jerry Maguire" on video are driving me absolutely nuts!! Everywhere I look, there's Tom Cruise holding his little cell phone up to his head. That's what the life-size cardboard store displays feature: Tom Cruise holding his little cell phone up to his ear. He's even holding the phone with the very tips of his fingers like some kind of prissy businessman type. Enough already, I refuse to see that damn movie! Show me the door, baby!!

6/7/97	Channel 61, the Warner Brothers network, has absolutely nothing worth watching. Ever. And in order to hook more new viewers, they're bravely showing reruns of "Blossom" today. Where's the tower, where's the gun... Channel 15 is running a story about a new flag law that prohibits flags from being placed at national cemeteries (because the flags end up looking like crap and blowing around everywhere). And just as expected, people are all offended about it. Also as expected, the reporter and anchors have referred to the situation as a "flap" a total of four times. Shouldn't we always expect this kind of childish pun-tossing? You betcha.

6/6/97	Just saw a commercial for "World's Funniest Outtakes 6." I'll bet it was on Fox, too.

6/4/97	Ran across the latest tripe-fest of "Inside Edition" tonight. They're doing a story on a man in his late 60's who dances as a male stripper. And they even showed footage! Once more I was hurled to death's door, but I managed to switch channels before too many brain cells were destroyed. Channel 15 is doing a story on some new high-tech way to fight the graffiti problem here in Phoenix, and what do you know? They're LIVE-LIVE-LIVE at a wall of graffiti! As if we don't know what graffiti looks like...duh.

6/1/97	I caught a few moments of something horrible tonight while flipping around the channels...I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it featured Rosie O'Donnell singing, an that was enough to bring me to death's door. I watched in horrified fascination as she then began to beat on plastic buckets as if she were drumming. That obnoxious monster couldn't even keep the beat. Later on, I was treated to the sight of a trio of street thugs tap-dancing in their tennis shoes. Whatever. Saw a commercial for the movie "Rising Sun." The announcer said that so-and-so is investigating a murder that "wasn't supposed to happen." Um, what kind of murder is supposed to happen? Aside from those sponsored by our government and military, that is? The Q, a health club, is trying to draw in new members by calling them insulting names like thunder-thighs, Studebakers, and Gutzilla. That's right, there's no better way to bring new customers than to insult them and make them feel horrible about their weight. Who makes these commercials, local Junior High students?

7/30/97	The main anchorette on "Primetime Live" tonight (Diane Sawyer) started her story this way: "You may have been SHOCKED to have learned recently that men have 4 billion more brain cells than women." You could just hear the incredulous disgust in her voice. Then they continued to roll videotape of several bad male comedians cracking degrading jokes about how all the brain cells ended up in mens' lower regions, etc. And for some unknown reason, they featured some no-talent bimbo from "Baywatch" to comment on how those extra brain cells go from the head down to the crotch, etc.

7/28/97	Saw a commercial for "Crispix" cereal where a father and his little boy are eating breakfast. The man challenges his ever-omnipotent wife on the longevity of Crispix's crispiness in milk. He convinced his son that Mom is totally wrong on the issue. Eventually he takes a rather violent bite of the cereal, and you can actually hear the spoon clinking against one of his teeth!! [MAJOR CRINGE] And, of course, his wife comes by and smiles smugly at his surprise that the cereal is still crispy. His son then turns against him and takes Mom's side as if he knew it all along. Gosh, fathers just can't win these days... Fox is airing a commercial for a new Alien Nation movie, which is being touted as a "movie event." OOhhhhh, where can I get tickets?? I just saw a "Visine" commercial featuring two pairs of cartoon eyes--one male, the other female. The male eyes are bitching and moaning about how itchy and irritated they are, and of course the female eyes have the solution. After a few drops of Visine, the male eyes say, "Wow! I'm restored to my former glory!" Then the female eyes snap, "You were less irritating when you were irritated!" Bitch. Even female EYES can't help snapping at men... At the end of "Everybody Loves Raymond", we see a little blurb stating: "Based on the comedy of Ray Romano." What? Who IS this guy? Margaret Cho said the same thing on her show's credits, and she wasn't even that famous...so this Ray guy must be even more obscure. And he's got his own show. Amazing. "Roar" has a big dramatic intro tonight, telling us about the Celtic tribes in 400 a.d. fighting the Romans for control of their homeland...warriors and druids... time of war and love and peril and adventure... And after this opening sequence, we're treated to a message that starts out just as dramatic: "'Roar' is brought to you by ... Cinnamon Toast Crunch!!" The voice gets all bubbly when mentioning the product, which makes the whole thing sound ridiculous.

7/27/97	I'm absolutely appalled... I just watched the intro for "Baywatch Nights." I had NO idea that this show was some kind of supernatural detective cop paranormal spooky show. I just thought it was a night-time version of the regular "Baywatch" where that horrible actor who thinks he can sing solves crimes like a regular detective instead of giving mouth-to-mouth to hot, sexy drowning babes. Who woulda thunk it?? And this intro was one of the corniest things I've ever seen. Truly embarrassing.

7/25/97	While waiting for my car to be fixed today, I was forced to Martha Stewart for the first time in my life. Believe me, it was as close to death as I've been since Rosie O'Donnell sang a song on "Saturday Night Live." I've always heard about Martha, that she's the queen of this and that...and now I've seen for myself.

7/21/97	Well, I haven't watched much T.V. in the past few days. Why? Because on EVERY station EVERY minute of the day, the media vultures are talking about nothing but Andrew Cunanan, the Most Dangerous Man in the History of the Universe and Then Some. He killed Versace. Get over it. Just hunt the bastard down and kill him, why do we have to hear about his stupid personal life? I don't care what his friends say about him, I don't care where they found a fingerprint, I don't care if he may be dressing up as a woman...it's something he may be used to, for all I know. Just solve the crime already. The news bimbette on Channel 10 ran a story on new Saturday morning shows. One of them features "Weird Al" Yankovic. "Remember 'Weird Al' Yankovic? There he is [video of "Eat It" runs]...he did a parody of Michael Jackson's 'Beat It's a couple of years ago..." What? A couple of years ago?? Lady, we're talking 1984 here. Maybe 1983. Get a clue, and a little less peroxide wouldn't hurt either. Another ad for "World's Funniest Kids Outtakes." It's basically another home video fest, so why do they call them "outtakes"? Outtakes are scenes removed from the final product. These video clips ARE the final product. So they can't possibly be outtakes, because they were meant to be seen. Hello?

7/19/97	Saw a commercial for some kind of shampoo, it doesn't matter which brand. A blonde bimbette shakes her hair and says, "For hair this touchable..." Well, wait a minute. Isn't all hair touchable? Just reach out and touch it! Is there some kind of invisible force field keeping you from touching bad hair? Now, whether it's desirable to touch it is the question.

7/16/97	Someone please tell me why "Boy Meets World" is still on. Not only is the title the worst in history, but the show itself is devoid of any intellectual or entertainment value. In other words, I shouldn't be surprised that it's lasted so long. Channel 15 really disappointed me tonight. While doing a "teaser" about an upcoming segment on cockroaches, Robin Sewell actually said, "Here's how to keep them from buggin' you!" Robin, Robin...you had such potential. Sigh...

7/15/97	Oh, no... Fox is showing "The Three Musketeers", that brain-clogging Disney "classic." Another attempt by Disney to appease the teen girls out there. Give me a break. Charlie Sheen as a Musketeer? And was that Chris O'Donnell? At least he's not wearing a suit of rubber in this one.

7/13/97	I almost never watch T.V. on Sundays, but today I got the urge to see how I could be insulted. It didn't take long--I caught a few minutes of "The Adventures of Sinbad", which is a totally blatant and shameless ripoff of "Hercules" and "Xena." Right down to the goofy sidekicks and special effects. The costumes in this show look extremely cheap, though. Figures.

7/12/97	Tonight we're treated to yet another horrible ice-skating special. Trashy synth music blares out the speakers as prissy women and men scoot and shuffle around on the ice, shaking their pert little skater butts to the music. And of course the girls absolutely melt when some "stud" takes to the ice and tries to look serious.

7/9/97	NBC screams to us in its latest promo spot that "The BIGGEST NAMES IN COMEDY are on their way to NBC! First, Gregory Hines in THE GREGORY HINES SHOW!" Gregory Hines?? When the hell was he ever known for his comedy? The man is a dancer, not a comedian. A DANCER. And couldn't they come up with a better name for this piece of crap show? Come on, guys. I know the public is stupid enough to watch (and enjoy) this tripe, but don't rub it in.

7/8/97	This one's not a complaint for a change. It looks like Arby's is getting nasty with McDonald's, making fun of the way McDonald's is like one big childish clown place for kids and Disney toys and greasy fried burgers. Arby's makes itself look like a place for adults to eat better food. Heh. Their slogan is "They've got the toys. We've got the food." I love it! Take that, clown!!

7/7/97	In a "Western Union" commercial, a typically fat, balding, middle-aged white dolt of a man is being made fun of by a woman and her entire talk-show audience. All because he was a dumb jerk and didn't send his money via Western Union. How stupid can you get? Channel 12, in an unusually low dip into the world of absolutely insulting puns, featured a blonde bimbette who was introducing a story about a dog restaurant. "Check out this doggone story!" she burbled. I would give just about anything to just slap her.

7/1/97	"Dateline" was talking to a family who survived a nearby volcano eruption. The husband described how the heat blast was so strong that it blew down two doors and his daughter. The interviewer says, "Heat blast? What do you mean?" Sigh...

8/11/97	I actually saw a McDonald's commercial that made me grin today. I apologize. It features a bunch of giant life-size foam McNuggets running around doing stupid things. At the end, we see one of these big McNuggets running down the beach hand in hand with some chick, and as they reach the water, he trips and falls flat on his foam face. Doesn't make me want to eat McNuggets, but it was kinda funny anyway... In a teaser for Channel 10's lame news show, the bimbette tells us, "And, how to get your kids to behave...next on Channel 10!" Boy, the just have the answers to everything, don't they?

8/10/97	Ads for this new movie "Mimic" are touting it as "the new acclaimed science fiction thriller." Well, this movie doesn't even open until the 22nd! Who the hell is giving this movie such acclaim so long before opening??

8/9/97	Tonight we're treated to "Who Makes You Laugh II", another hour-long clip-fest of famous comedians. They're interviewing different comedians who gush about their colleagues, and they seem to be focusing on Whoopi Goldberg and Richard Lewis, two people who just aren't very funny. No matter who she's talking about, Whoopi says that he/she is her favorite. "Joan Rivers is the best! Absolutely!" Then she says, "Eddie Murphy is perfect. Flawless. The best." THEN she says, "Richard Pryor was the inspiration for us all...nobody was better than him!" And the kicker: "I worship in the shrine of Lilly Tomlin!" What an ass-kisser. Richard Lewis did the same thing, except he was far more nauseating. But the "interviewers" keep coming back to Lewis and Whoopi as if they have the only valid opinions. Disgusting. A commercial for our local Fiesta Mall features a typical teenage idiot girl saying in her best post-Valley Girl accent, "Going back to school always gives me the blues!" Yeah, that learning stuff is a real bitch, ain't it? Channel 10's lame news show ran a teaser before the news tonight: "We can't see Hale-Bopp anymore, but somebody can! Tune in next to find out who!" And while she's saying this, they're showing footage taken from the window of the space shuttle. The stupidity of these people is staggering. Channel 15 let me down once again tonight. The anchorette actually said, "A doggone big implosion!" as we see footage of a Purina plant being destroyed. Come on, people.

8/8/97	In a rare moment of honesty on "Nightline", they admit that "this is the only true thing we brought to you tonight." The show as about urban myths, and the reporter was referring to the fact that Einstein's brain was sliced up and sent to over 200 researchers all over the world. I wish they'd have this kind of honesty every night...

8/5/97	Channel 10's lame news show once again has to tie itself in to whatever movie of the week is showing. In this case, it's "Intensity." To plug their upcoming segment on the sex trade here in Phoenix, they use the word "intensity" a lot during their commercials in the middle of the movie. Sigh... Oh joy! "NYPD Blue" is on, the show that is filmed entirely in SHAKY CAMERA VISION! Every scene is shaky, jittery, aimless as the camera just wanders around randomly as if you're really there watching it happen. Sorry, but I have control of MY head. They ripped this right from those idiotic Levi's commercials.

8/4/97	Saw a commercial for some kind of sink spray nozzle thing. It features a computer-generated spider being forced down the drain by some diligent woman wielding this spray nozzle. At the end of the commercial, we're treated to their slogan: "Buy it for looks. Buy it for life." Apparently not for the life of spiders...